My Writing

First Entry

A lot of people romanticize this lifestyle, some people lie and some don't. There isn't a lot of people my age who live like this, let alone at all. If you knew you'd lie and act normal like everyone else. I tried, and failed and now here I am cut off from the world living the same day over and over again and eating like shit. At the time of writing this nothing has changed. CHAPTER 1 -------> Isolation. My alarm went off at 10:30 AM. I didn’t even register the sound at first, It just existed somewhere in the background, insisting the day had already started even though I hadn’t caught up to it yet. I didn’t know what day it was, by this point I lost track of the days months ago. The sun was already out, doing whatever it was supposed to do. It showed no interest in me, and I showed no interest in it. I stayed there for a second longer than I needed to, waiting for my body to complain about being awake again, but it didn't, so I got up. My feet hit the floor the way they did every time I woke up. I walked over to my computer without really deciding to, at this point it was just routine. The game I left open was still sitting there paused on the same screen. The character probably experienced more growth in that frozen frame than I did all week. I unpaused it for approximately two seconds, then paused it again to show I still had power in a world that is actively trying to shut me out. I sat there expecting something to happen after that. Like the room would acknowledge my small act of rebellion & respond, or maybe the character on my screen would congratulate me even though I just asserted dominace against him. Nothing Happened. I leaned forward again and rested my elbows on the desk. There was a kind of comfort in how predictable everything was, but also a misery in how nothing ever changes. I opened a new tab, then closed it again, then opened 35 more tabs. "ha, I've never done that before. behold everyone... difference." I, for the first time in months, did something different. I checked my phone out of habit, of course there were no messages, no voicemails... not even a notification from some lousy apps I kept on my phone. I started questioning if my phone was holding a personal grudge against me... of course it wasn't, it was just reflecting my social situation back at me. Outside my window I could hear movement. The world was reminding me that life still continued even if mine wasn't. I started wondering if maybe this was supposed to happen to me... that maybe I was supposed to turn out this way. Maybe I did something years ago when I was still in elementary school, and that sealed my fate. I told myself I'd doing something about it, but I didn't. Instead I just sat there, stuck in that loop where everything, but also nothing feels like it's moving. The game was still paused, and the character was still frozen in that weird position that I asserted dominance over him in. I exhaled and leaned back in my chair again, letting it tilt slightly too far before I got scared and sat back up. I sat there for a moment after that, waiting for the feeling that usually followed. The one where I’d either spiral further or get up and pretend I was going to fix my whole life in the blink of an eye. Nothing came this time, just the same quiet sitting in the same spot it's been for years. I eventually stood up anyway, not to do nothing good, but to let another day defeat me. The days were 0-... I stopped counting a long time ago. I went back to my bed, laid down, and let sleep take over like it had been waiting there the whole time. CHAPTER 2 ---------> Exposure/ Attempt Another day arises. I realized something different today though. My alarm didn't go off. It didn't matter. I had nowhere important to be. There isn't a single thing waiting outside that front door for me. I sat up and looked around my room half expecting something to change or shift- but nothing. The same walls, same garbage, not even the sun changed it's position. "How foolish of me." The clock read 6:43 AM, the only thing that changes. I usually stayed awake around this time anyway, so it wasn't strange. I got up and moved around the room slowly, as if I was searching for something. I didn't know what. A reason to live? A reason to change things? A reason for my life to start heading in the right direction? A feeling? Nothing. It was all the same. I paused near the corner of my room, "my bag.... my school bag" It'd been there for a long time collecting dust. I stared at it for a moment, then all the memories came flooding in. Highschool graduation. The memory came down on me all at once. I remember standing there in that crowded gym, everyone packed together in rows by their first initals in those hard metal chairs that scraped loudly whenever someone shifted even an inch. The air smelled like youth and cheap decorations. Parents sat in the bleachers holding cameras, waiting for their grade A kid to walk that stage. Everyone around me was excited, or at least seemed so. Laughing, talking and plan making. College, jobs, parties and life. I remember sitting there quietly, staring at the slip of paper they gave us when we walked through those two cursed doors. "Rei Kirishima." There I was, in the middle where I wasn't supposed to be. Just another name in a long list of people moving forward. When they called my name, I walked across the stage like everyone else. I shook the principal's hand and some random lady handed me my diploma. People clapped even though they didn't know a thing about me. It should've felt important, but it didn't. I felt nothing. Numb. Empty. The ceremony ended and everyone stood up at once. Chairs scraped loudly against the floor as people rushed towards the exits. The gym filled with noise—friends shouting to eachother, parents calling names, and an overwhelming amount of laughter. Everyone had somewhere to go; everyone had someone to go to. I didn't. I walked through the crowd slowly trying not to gain much attention to myself. Around me people were hugging, taking pictures, and making promises to meet at a spot after graduation to go celebrate. "Let's celebrate tonight!" "Text me! K?" "See you at college bro!" Their voices folded into eachother and eventually overlapped all into one blur. Outside the gym was bright, almost blinding after being inside for so long. Parents surrounded their kids with cameras and smiles. I watched from the side as people posed in their caps and gowns. For a second I thought about walking up to someone. Anyone. Anything to not feel the way I did. But the feeling passed before I could even move. A teacher walked by and noticed me standing there, all alone. "Rei, right?" he glanced down at my paper, "So what's next for you?" Next. That question caught me off guard. College. Jobs. Life. Everyone else already had an answer. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. The teacher waited for a second with a concerned expression, then gave a polite smile. "Well, whatever you decide, good luck!" He turned his back before I could respond. I stood there a little longer, watching people leave one by one. Cars pulled out of the parking lot, and the laughter faded into obscurity. Eventually, the crowd disappeared. The celebration was over. All that was left was me, a piece of paper, and an empty parking lot. That was when it hit me. Everyone was moving forward in life. The class clowns, the mean girls, even the nerds. But I wasn't. I looked down at my diploma; four years of my life boiled down to a single sheet of paper with my name on it. It didn't give me any direction, it didn't open any doors. It didn't do anything miraculous like the teachers swore it did. It just reminded me I had no where to go. I remember walking home that day instead of celebrating. Still dressed in my cap and gown. No one noticed, no one cared. When I got home, I went straight upstairs, straight to my room. I told myself I'd figure things out tomorrow. Tomorrow turned into the next day. Then the next. Then Weeks. Then Months. CHAPTER 3 ------------> Contact: Kana Weeks turned into months faster than I realized. The bag stayed in the corner of my room exactly where I left it, collecting more dust than memories. I stopped thinking about graduation after awhile.. or at least I tried to. Eventually every day started blending together again. Wake up, sit at my desk, waste time, then sleep and repeat. After awhile, you get used to the silence... and then it's not a problem anymore. Nothing changed... usually. But, My phone buzzed. Something I hadn't heard in ages. I stared at it for a moment before picking it up, as if my life depended on it. Unknown number. For a second, I almost ignored it until the screen lit again. "Hey... is this Rei? Rei Kirishima?" I froze. I thought that maybe it could be a prank... if I had friends. Another message followed before I could decide what to do. “This might be weird, but I think we went to the same high school.” I sat up instantly. I didn’t remember saving anyone, neither did I remember anyone who would still care enough to look for me. "Who is this? Is this some kind of prank?" It took a moment, but then it hit me. My mind was playing tricks on me because I've been alone for so long. I'm vulnerable. My own head has turned against me. She replied almost instantly, "No, it’s not a prank. It’s Kana. We were in the same class and I sat in front of you... Class 3-B. I think you were in my literature class senior year." I stared at the name. "Kana." Another message appeared before I could respond. “I’m sorry if this is weird. I thought I saw you recently, and I wasn’t sure if I should say anything.” My heart started beating faster. Saw me... That part stuck more than anything else. I typed fast, but carefully. "You must have the wrong person." I hesitated, then sent it. Again, she replied instantly. "No. I’m sure it’s you." Pressure started building in my chest. "Why are you texting me?" This time, the response didn’t come immediately. "Because, I've seen you." That didn’t make sense. I hadn’t been anywhere. Not anywhere that mattered at least. "I saw you, at the park. Around 11 PM." Another message followed. "You were just sitting on the swings. Not moving" I didn't reply right away. It took a moment, but now, I remembered it too. Not her, not the conversation, Just the park. The silence. The sound of the wind rushing through the night. My breathing flattened. I typed slowly this time. "Why didn’t I notice you?" There was a longer pause this time. The longest she's ever paused since texting me. "I don't think you were trying to notice anything. "How does that even make sense? Another message followed. "You looked… far away. Like you weren’t really there.. mentally." I leaned back slowly against the bed, contemplating if what I was seeing was really what I was seeing. I typed. "Why were you there at that time?" This time, Kana didn't reply instantly. There was no typing indicator this time. I could feel myself waiting for it more than I should’ve. Then— "I couldn't sleep." Another pause, then, "I go there sometimes too. It's quiet... and peaceful." My fingers moved again. "You’re sure it was me?" "Yeah." "You were just sitting there. Not doing anything. Not on your phone. Nothing" My stomach twisted. She was right. That was me. "I almost walked past you." "But then you looked up for a second." My breathing labored. “And I recognized you." My thoughts were quieter than ever before. It'd been years since my head has been this silent. My thumbs hovered over the keyboard. "What did I look like?" "You looked tired." "Like you were waiting for someone or something that was never gonna come." The screen dimmed slightly in my hands and the messages dimmed with it. Then another message appeared. "That's why I said something." CHAPTER 4 -----------> Delusions I didn’t sleep that night. My phone stayed on my desk, screen dark, but I kept looking at it anyway. A small part of me wondered if I was just dreaming and this was all apart of one big scheme made specifically to torment me. That small part of me felt narcissistic now. Why would the universe go out of its way just to mentally destroy one unemployed guy who gave up hope and eats ramen noodles almost every night? Quietness meant thoughts. Thoughts meant overthinking. I grabbed my phone and scrolled endlessly through social media, old threads, and random apps I didn’t remember downloading. At some point I found myself watching a video of a raccoon trying to enter a closed grocery store for almost eight minutes straight. At least the raccoon knew what it wanted, right? Nothing distracted me for long though. Kana's messages were still lingering in the back of my brain no matter what video I watched. "You looked tired." "Like you were waiting for something that was never gonna come." I turned off my phone screen and stared at my reflection. For a second, I could’ve sworn it moved a little too late. "Yeah... okay.. I'm losing it. Offically." I stood up from my bed too quickly like someone on the outside was waiting for me, and immediately got too dizzy. I grabbed onto the wall before I folded over like a useless lawn chair. You really get to know yourself inside four walls. My phone buzzed suddenly. I grabbed it so fast that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between me and the flash. Nothing. No messages, no missed calls, not even a notification. I laughed out of nervousness. "Cool... auditory hallucinations. Am I the first person to experience such things?" I shut that thought down real quick. That would make me special, and in no ways am I special. There had to be some psychopath from the 1850s who had auditory hallucinations... right? The silence afterward felt unbearable, almost like it was mocking me. I tried counting in my head. I tried laying still. I tried convincing myself that I was just tired being dramatic. None of it worked. Every thought kept crawling back to Kana. How did she recognize me? Why did she text me? Why did it feel like she understood me better from one glance than anyone else had in years? Maybe this all part of a plan... maybe she wanted to expose me to all her friends! So she could brag about how she met a real life reclusive loser! I couldn't let that happen... no way. I stood up again and walked toward my window. Outside was quiet. The only sound being emitted was the streetlights. They glowed faintly against the dark sidewalk, making it look like some scene out of an action horror movie. Maybe it always looked this way and I'm just realizing it. “I need to get out,” I whispered to the silence. Those words shocked me as they left my mouth. Not because I wanted to go somewhere important. It wasn’t like I suddenly had friends to meet or a secret purpose in life. I just couldn't stay here. Staying here felt like my brain was sinking into quicksand. It's not my fault, it's Kana's fault for upending my perfectly peaceful existence. I grabbed my jacket from the chair near my desk and stared at it for a moment. 'I feel like I'm entering a boss battle in a game I haven't touched in three years.' I almost laughed at myself psychotically, Then I reached for the doorknob. Suddenly my room felt safe again. Not comforting, just safe. CHAPTER 5 --------------> SUCESS I sat on the edge of my bed, contemplating if I really wanted to leave my room or live in my delusions. My delusions were getting to strong to the point that they were warping reality. I grabbed my coat and headed down stairs before I could change my mind. The house felt different even though it wasn't, it was like it knew I was leaving. I cracked my front door open; the cold air slapping me in the face in the process - I thought to myself, it's only 10 minutes away. I swung the door open determined to make way to the gas station, the air was colder than I expected, I sped walk down the street without trying to draw attention to myself in the process. I heard a a neighbor laughing - was he laughing at me? Was he laughing at something someone said? Was it a video on his phone? I picked up the pace, every step suddenly felt heavier than before, consuming more energy than ever before. There wasn't many people on the street, I mean I guess there wouldn't be since it's 2:41 AM, people have lives, people to attend to, and jobs to work. What if my life turned out that way? I know i'm still young but everyone my age already had jobs, been in relationships and some even bought their first car - all while I was rotting my room. Before I knew it, I was at the gas station, why was I even here? I didn't need nothing in particular I thought to myself, might as well make the most of it. I looked through the glass of the gas station - there was at least 4 people in there, some old man browsing for snacks, a woman with her baby looking for whatever, and 2 guys my age, they were chatting and laughing while in the candy section of the store. My heart was beating through my chest, it was already bad enough that I was here but I would run into people my age, who probably have jobs and lives - they could never imagine someone their age who acts like me. I hesitated to open the door - all my muscles felt strangely stiff, I thought to myself that all I had to do was play it cool and act normal, just a quick few grabs and out. I pushed the door open and the bell chimed above me, the employee welcomed me in — I didn't know how to respond. I took my hand out my coat pocket and waved — I had no idea if that was awkward but the employee didn't seem to think much of it, or at least so I think. I contemplated what to get, I didn't know if I wanted drinks or snacks, or both — I stared at the freezer browsing my options, the faint buzz sound the freezer makes felt like it was getting louder and louder each second I stood there — I didn't want to move. I decided on apple juice and closed the freezer — my reflection stared back at me, my eyes were so hollow it looked like I'd died a million years ago or something, my eyebags shrouded my face. I could've sworn someone was staring at me, I saw them in the reflection from the freezer's glass — I turned around but nothing was there. "Hallucinations" I thought to myself. The store felt eerily haunted, or maybe it was my mind that was haunted, I honestly didn't care — I moved away from the glass, there was still people inside the gas station, I could hear their voices. I was scared to pay, what if she saw how shrouded my face was — what if some how she could still see my hair even though my hood's on. I really did want the apple juice. I mean I came this far, too far to turn back now. I put my drink on the counter, the cashier asks, "Are you ready to checkout?" I didn't say anything — I don't know if that was for better or for worse. She smiled and grabbed my drink, beep went the scanner — her smile was too wide, almost inhumane. I gave her whatever bill was in my pocket, grabbed my drink and walked out. I wasn't sure if I paid her too less or too much — I honestly didn't care, it felt good to catch some of my breath again. I could've sworn I seen things in the peripheral of my vision — maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me. The streets felt emptier but also more aware — I felt like I was being watched — was I? Even though it was lateand dark, it felt darker than it should have, almost pitch black dark — like all you could see is your foot in front of the other. "Maybe I just need to sleep" I chuckled out loudly "Yeah, that's what it is." I started to walk home, I didn't even know what time it was anymore — it could've been 2 AM still or maybe it was 3 AM. Strangely, I felt calm — I was outside and I was calm, was it because nobody was here? Or maybe it's because if there were people nobody could see me, it was too dark. I opened my can of apple juice and took a sip "This is amazing!" I said out loud, the first words I said out loud were to myself, and maybe that was okay. I took my time on the walk home, actually enjoying the outside for once, it was breathable. A buzz came from my phone, I was confused, but not scared — I was pretty sure it was my mom texting me, asking me where I was. The time read 2:56 AM, the notification was from Kana, it read "Rei... What are you doing outside?" How'd she know I was outside...? My hands started shaking prefusely, was this a joke? My peace was short lived, I didn't know if I should respond or not — I wanted to ask if she was even real or was this some kind of cruel prank. I wanted to run, but my legs felt bound in chains, they were the heaviest they'd ever been. I wondered if she lived somewhere on this street. I swear after seeing that text, I heard things in this distance, all around me, every angle — I gave it my all and ran for my house, not stopping or looking back, if something was there I didn't want to find out. I burst through my front door, heart beating out my chest — I could hardly catch my breath. I locked the door behind me and ran up to my room. I checked my phone again and the message was still there. I knew for a fact Kana was a real person, maybe... I mean I remember her from high school, I wasn't like this back then. Maybe I wanted her to be real, maybe this was all a big prank, or maybe it was all a big conspiracy of some sort. My brain and body were utterly exhausted from overthinking and running. 'If these messages are still here when I wake up, then maybe it is real.' CHAPTER 6 --------------> I awoke to deafening silence. I had slept through the day, how did I know this? Because there was no sun trying to peak through my curtains. The events that which occured was almost 24 hours ago. I looked outside; the world seemed different, the street lights weren't on — the light bulbs must've died. I knew what I had to do but I didn't want to. I had to check my messages, I wanted to know if Kana was really real, and if she was what would I do? Would I have to meet her? She probably knows I'm a shut in loser. I opened my messages again and to my surprise, the message was still there, although there was no history from the last time Kana apparently "contacted" me. The same message was really still there "Rei... What are you doing outside?" Real question is, what was she still doing up? It was like 2 something AM — didn't she have school or something? The message reminded me of all the stuff that happened last time, my heart skipped beats just thinking about it. I wanted to believe that I was in some type of vivid dream, where fantasy became the new reality. I took a deep breath in, maybe if I lay in my bed and close my eyes it won't be there anymore. I closed my eyes, scared to open them, I sat up and rubbed my eyes — the message was still there, which meant this was real, all of it was real. I stared at the message, not blinking for what felt like hours — contemplating if I should respond or not. If I didn't would she have known that I read her message? I lifted my thumbs hesitantly, getting ready to type — I honestly didn't know what to say. I typed the first thing that came to my mind, "How did you know that I was outside?" I didn't press enter. I erased it and re typed it, hoping something would change — maybe I'd break out whatever illusion I was stuck in. Part of me wanted to know how she knew it was me, I had my hoodie on — on top of that I was running, at least I think I was. I could see my reflection in the phone — still with this long unwashed hair. If she wanted to meet me I'd have to clean up everything about me — I'd have to shave, shower, cut my hair down and act like something I wasn't, not responding would also draw unwanted attention and empathy towards me too. I pressed enter, I didn't wanna know if she would reply or not — I put my phone down swiftly, it felt like the oxygen levels in my room dropped to an all time low. I thought of all the things that could've happened — what if she wanted me to go back to school? What if she wanted to meet me in like a restuarant or something, I couldn't do that, it's too crowded in those places. Maybe in the end she just wanted something from me, or maybe it was a cruel prank — what if she just wanted to look cool in front of her friends or something? I'd just become a laughing stock. I knew the her back then but I didn't know the her now, highschool and time changes people — for better or worse. My phone buzzed — her message read " I live 8 houses down from you! Oh and by the way do you still go to school?" I didn't know what to say, that confirmed that she knew I was a hikikomori, no way she didn't. She didn't even know I still lived here until that day I thought I could go to school. I thought about all the different lies I could say — she asked if I was still in school, of course I wasn't. Maybe I could say that I moved schools because I got in trouble at the last one or something but that would just be a lie wrapped in another lie. "Yeah! I moved schools though, my mom thought it wasn't the right fit for me." I didn't know if that sounded real enough, but it was better than nothing. Nervousness struck in, I didn't know any other school names around the area, I wasn't even sure if there was another school in the area. What if she knew I was lying — what could I say then? A notification appeared from Kana " Oh.. okay, how do you like it?" What was I even supposed to say to something like that? I hadn't touched a school in years — I forgot what it was all like, the atmosphere, the big groups of people — the stress, and the smell of paper. My stomach twisted at the thoughts — I really did miss it all, I wish I never ended up like this — I guess these were just the cards that I was dealt and now I have to figure out how to play them. Kana was always more of the popular type so why did she care to know how I was doing, I guess she remembers all faces — even when I was in school, I was this way just more outgoing. "Rei, you there?" she texted again. I started to believe this was just all some big joke — it was all too random. Why now? Why Kana? "What do you want from me, Kana?" I could see the 3 bubbles appear — she was typing but what was she typing? I didn't wanna know. "Rei.. it's been years, you disappeared without leaving a trace — I thought you moved or died or something" Years... it had been years — I didn't know how many years it had been — I felt a knot in my throat, thinking about all the time I really missed out on, all the experiences, all the ups and downs — the relationships, it made me sick. Kana probably knew more than she was letting on — if she hadn't seen me in all this time and she just figured out that I still lived here, she has to know i'm a hikikomori. " What would you like to talk about Kana?" I know I was being rude but it felt like she was pitying me, I guess it made sense to though. "I always wanted to know what happened to you Rei" I turned my phone off and stared into nothingness — I wanted to blame her but I couldn't, if I were her I'd wonder what happened to me to, i'm me and I wonder what happened to me. I typed in a blind rage "Yeah well guess what Kana you wanna know what happened to me? I stopped going outside, I stopped going to school, I don't talk to anyone i'm one of those shut ins people used to joke about back in high school, is that what you wanted to hear?" I sent her that message, not realizing what I did until it was already too late, I'd sealed my fate. She knew and now she'd tell everyone at school about what happened to me, I became a shut in loser with no friends. She didn't reply as fast as she did every other time — maybe she was laughing at me, I kept staring at the screen waiting for a response but nothing ever came of it. I started pacing around my room, checking my phone every fifteen seconds or so — I even closed the app out and reopened it multiple times. I think I knew what was going on — she was probably on the phone with her friends showing them my message or something. I could already hear the whispers, "Hey did you know that Rei turned into one of those loser hikikomori freaks?" The thought made me sick to my stomach, I didn't deserve this — responding to Kana was all just one huge mistake, I should've just read the message and left it at that. The vibration from my phone broke the endless cycle of thoughts in my head " I'm sorry Rei, I didn't mean anything by it, I didn't mean to make you upset... I just wanted to understand" Someone like her could never understand someone like me — I'd lived the same days over and over again, the same cycle of exhaustion and guilt — someone like her with a life, friends and things to look forward to could never understand me. I put my phone down, I don't know what she wanted from me — why'd she want my attention? Maybe this was all just a scheme or something, an act. No wait, I know... a dare, a dare from her friends or something. My phone vibrated again — I didn't even know if I wanted to look at her message, but I did anyway "Rei, maybe we can talk tomorrow?" Why? She's so set on talking to me for what reason? I didn't answer — I didn't care to, something in me felt like she was craving attention and if she was, I was definitely the wrong person. Chapter 7 ---------------> Kana She wanted to "Talk tomorrow" What did she even mean? What's there to talk about with someone like me? Her consistency was getting pretty annoying. Maybe she's trying to get me comfortable enough to make me go outside and then expose me to everyone about who I am. I could probably be really mean to her or something to drive her away, and forget about me — that could work. Talking to her made me recall all the memories of high school, all the laughter and whispers, the weird looks I'd get — all the times I'd get singled out for things I didn't do, the times I tripped and fail cause my shoes were to big. That's why I hid away, I locked myself in my room that way nobody could laugh or talk about me anymore, I didn't have to deal with all of the shit talking they would do about me. I tried to analyze her text thinking about every case scenario she'd put me in, maybe she really meant well and was worried about me, or maybe she just wanted to make a joke out of me — I couldn't tell, she was hiding it well. What if tomorrow she'd ask questions about my life and I'd have to make up a thousand different lies, could I hold it together? The thought made me sick to my stomach, all the notes that were passed around, all the times I'd steal the room for the wrong reasons, the way people treated me like I wasn't human made me want to puke. I almost wanted to text her and ask what she meant by talking, like did she want to talk through text? Or maybe she really wanted me to talk to her, face to face. What made it worse was the fact I used to know her — what if she compared me to my old self? There's no way nothing good could come of this. I just wanted to sit in silence but my head wouldn't shut up, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through her profile, she lived a normal life — she went to school and even went out to huge public events. It seemed like she had no problems — if she did she was masking them really well, something I couldn't do. I didn't want to admit it but part of me wanted to text her, she was always calm and always had it together even in tough situations. Her smile was pretty too, it could light up a whole room — sadly she was too normal for someone like me, someone at the bottom of the food chain. Morning had came faster than I wanted it to — I don't even remember falling asleep, nor where I fell asleep. I was hesitant to check my phone, I didn't wanna know if she had really texted me or not — but if she did what would I do? Maybe I could just say that I was busy today even though i'm doing absolutely nothing besides rotting in my room. I don't remember if I told her I was living the same day over and over again. Wait, I think I know — maybe I can go out and show her i'm not a hiki, then she couldn't pity me — I'll walk right out that door with a straight face, me as a hiki? No way, i'm not a hiki — I'll prove it to her if I have too. I didn't know what day it was or whether she was in school or not, I mean it was 1:24 PM — maybe she was still sleep or something. My room felt hotter than normal, or maybe it was just me — maybe I was hotter than normal. I looked around my room, it was filled with empty bottles, snack wrappers, and cups of ramen. What if she wanted to come over? No way, I couldn't let that happen at all — she'd know that I'm a complete loser if she sees my room, it's filthy as hell. I didn't even know what it smelled like since I'd been rotting in here most of my days — to me it smells normal, to others it probably smells like complete dog shit — maybe even worse. I tried to silence the idea of going out but my head wouldn't shut up, what if I did go out, just once to prove to her i'm not a hikikomori, if I did maybe she wouldn't worry about me anymore, and I could go back to my peace. My chest tightened at the thought of it all, she doesn't even know what I look like — I look nothing like I did in high school. I looked around the room one more time and grabbed my backpack — all the notebooks and papers made it pretty heavy. I unzipped my backpack, it smelled like school air — I grabbed a notebook and opened it. This was my math notebook, I hated math — it was so complicated for no reason. I searched my bag for my old favorite pencil, the yellow one with the blue eraser — all this brung back memories, not good nor not bad memories either. Just....memories. Lost in memories I heard my phone buzz — I ran to my phone quickly, it wasn't her, just some old app I forgot to delete. I was honestly relieved, my heart was beating out of my chest, it was beating so hard I could feel it in my ears. Why did this have to happen to me? A split second encounter turns into something this big. All I wanted to know was why? She must have some savior complex or something. Maybe she wasn't doing this for me, maybe she was doing it for her... yeah, she just wanted to satisfy her own needs. Maybe she was below me — maybe she wanted my validation..... she may have even liked me. These thoughts calmed my racing heart — I mean if it's true I'll finally have met someone below me. I sat back on the floor and kept digging through my bag, it was full of papers, pens, pencils and half of erasers. I used to split my eraser with Kana back in school cause she never had erasers, one of the core items needed for school, she'd forget. I grabbed my notebook and flipped through the pages, a bunch of notes and drawings — but then I saw it, Kana's handwriting, small, neat.... her hand writing was perfect — "You forgot that we have to title every new section of the notes idiot" That line brung me back in time, Kana used to sit behind me, she used to poke my shoulder with the tip of her pencil or throw crumbled paper at the back of my head. I thought she was just making fun of me or trying to make some kind of statement, but what if she wasn't? Maybe she saw how lonely I was and was trying to help, or maybe that's what i'm telling myself to make myself feel better or something. It almost felt like she was next to me again, I could hear her voice — she never treated me differently from everyone else, maybe that's just the person she is. I could hear her voice reading out what she wrote — it made my head hurt. I used to think everyone was out to get me, make fun of me, or make a statement out of me — what if she was the exception I never let in? I kept flipping through the pages until another one made me stop — it was just a small rough sketch of me, or at least how she saw me. Messy hair, blank stare, dead eyes, and a messed up posture. My throat tightened, I don't think she drew it to mock me, I don't know what it was — was she making a statement by drawing me? Something that I was too blind to see? I brushed my fingers across the drawing, it was all faded but I could still make out the small smile she drew on me, I didn't know if that's how I smiled back then or not — I never really cared. I hated school and everything about it, the people, the classrooms, the smell of the entire building, but I don't think I hated this memory, or any of our memories together. A buzz snapped me back into reality, this time it was her. CHAPTER 10 ---------------> I hesitated, I didn't wanna read what it said, I clenched my hands and picked up the phone. Her message read " Hey, good afternoon — how'd you sleep? I was thinking we could talk later? If you're okay with that of course." I don't even remember if I slept or not, it was all a blur to me — my head kept repeating "THERE. IS. NOTHING. TO. TALK. ABOUT." And I agreed with it, there really was nothing to talk about. I turned my phone off and tossed it on the floor, talk about what exactly? My "life" or my "goals" the same question I've been getting for god knows how long. There was none of that for me, my life as I knew it was already over — there was nothing to go forward on, the world forgot about me. Maybe she thought I was some type of project she could complete and score an A, but no matter how you look at it, it's always an F. I grabbed my phone and typed back " Yea sure, about what?" I deleted that, it felt way too fake. What if I just didn't reply, then she would know I don't want to talk right? But what if she never texted again? Would that make me a worse person than I already am? "About what?" That one felt real, so I pressed enter. The message felt like it was imprinted my brain, no amount of effort would make it go away. My screen felt brighter than ever, like it was trying to warn me I was making a big mistake or something. Every minute that she didn't respond felt like hours. What if she was laughing at me for how much of a loser I am? I hate myself, I really do, I never intended for anything to turn out this way. Maybe she didn't respond cause she finally figured out what I really am, I could feel the weight of my thoughts crashing on me, it was suffocating. My phone buzzed, I never looked at my phone so fast in my life before "Sorry to keep you waiting. I was making some cereal, I wanted to ask if you wanted to meet later, maybe catch up a bit?" she wanted to M.E.E.T. like meet in real life, face to face — why? I could feel my stomach turning at the thought of just meeting her, how could she be so casual about all this? She had to be nervous just a little bit right? I could already see the look on her face when she finds out i'm not the picture perfect person she's thinking about, The one she imagined in her head didn’t exist. My life was a constant loop, if she knew she wouldn't have even texted in the first place. I picked up my phone, hands shaking. "Yeah sure, where?" that sounded too fake. "Ok." no, to bleak. "Where?" I didn't know how to text, it had been years since I done it. As soon as I pressed send I immediately regretted it, my fate was sealed — soon i'll be out there talking to her like I live some type of normal life, nothing about me is normal, nothing. Every second felt like a minute, every minute felt like an hour. Maybe she had forgotten that I existed, maybe she was laughing, or maybe she has me right where she wants me — what if this is a set up? It felt like my head was a pool and I was swimming through my thoughts. The screen finally lit up again and I froze "Meet at the park by the school at 8?" At 8 PM my life would change, only time would tell if it was for the better or for the worse — I doubt that the world is looking out for me. Maybe this was fate, maybe this was supposed to happen, maybe i'll stop being a hikikomori and I can leave all of this in the past. I wanted to type back and make an excuse, but if I did, it would seem all to fake. 8PM was manageable — by that time everyone would be at home doing god knows what, I guess living a "normal" life. I didn't want to respond but my fingers betrayed me. "Okay, see you there!" Why did I type the exclamation mark? Nothing about this was exciting. I stared at my clock, it was 4:56 PM, in only a few hours and minutes I'd know if my life would change for better or worse. I wanted to stay in my bed and forget that any of this happened, but if I did that would give her some kind of reason to worry about me. I shut my eyes thinking about everything that could go wrong, like if I said words wrong or if I stuttered too much. It didn't matter, there was nothing I could do about it anymore, If I hadn't sent that fucking text back none of this would even be happening. I could've stayed in my bed, where it's quiet and safe. If I had never gone to the gas station that night this whole ordeal would've never happened. I crawled under my covers contemplating every life choice that lead up to the this moment, I pretended to sleep but it didnt work. Hours passed, time never moved in my room — I didn't want to check my phone to see the time, it'd only make me over think the inevitable more. I sat up in my bed, I could see that the sun was setting — I reluctantly grabbed my phone to see the time, it was 7:46 PM — the station was 5 minutes away. I grabbed my jacket and put it on, I went to the bathroom to fix my hair and wash my face — I told myself that everything would be okay, that maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. It was one foot in front of the other, I prepared myself to run out the bathroom without looking back, if I did I would never leave. I took a deep breath in. "5...4...3...2...1 RUN" I ran down the stairs as fast as I could almost tripping in my haste, I grabbed the doorknob and yanked it open, I ran as fast as I could with my eyes close in any direction that wasn't backwards. I could feel the cold air slapping me in the face, the air I was breathing was different, it felt easier — easier to breathe. I stopped by the corner struggling to catch my breath, I hadn't ran that fast in years. The streets were quiet, no cars, no people, not even the sound of dogs barking. I could see people eating dinner through their windows — they seemed so perfect, like they knew everything was gonna be okay, they were laughing, talking — they were being human. I stood there for a while, I stared at people through their windows like a weirdo. I started walking, I didn't want anyone to see me staring at them. One step, then another, then another — counting my steps seemed to calm me down, my legs felt shaky as if they were seconds away from giving out on me. The only thing I heard was my footsteps, it was eerily quiet — so quiet you could hear your heartbeat. What if she was already there? What if she decided not to come at all? What if this was a setup all from the get go? All I'd do is make a fool out of myself. I put my hands into my pockets to stop them from shaking, it had to be around 20 degrees, on top of that my anxiety wasn't helping. I feel like the stop signs were trying to warn me from making a complete fool off myself — would I look more stupid if I never showed up? The closer I got to the park the quieter it got. My phone buzzed, it felt like my heart stopped beating for at least 10 seconds. This could be good or bad — maybe she couldn't make and she was apologizing for standing me up? I took my hands out my pocket and grabbed my phone "Rei are you coming? It's cold and creepy out here." What I had hoped for was shattered to pieces. She was a girl — being out here at this time of night was dangerous for her. I picked up the pace in my steps, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. Every step made my stomach turn and my chest tighten, I could see the park entrance now, I could make out her silhouette by the fountain. I walked up slowly, my fingers were twitching in my jacket pockets — I could make out her face now, she turned and with a grin said "Hey" I wanted to say something back but it felt like my vocal cords had been ripped out of me. "Rei, you okay?" Yeah Kana I've been amazing! I never leave my house, I haven't talked to people in years, and now you invite me out here and I have to act all normal, like I've got it together but I don't. That's what I wanted to say but all that came out was "Yeah" We stood there in silence, maybe she could read my thoughts and was shocked by what I said. I broke the silence "So w-why'd you invite me out her Kana?" She looked at me with a confused look, "Well it's been a while Rei, I just wanted to see how you were." A while... it was a while for her but a lifetime for me. "You kind of disappeared, nobody knew what happened to you." I forced my body to work with me in this moment "Yeah... I-I guess i'm good at that huh?" I tried to fake a laugh but I sounded like a dead animal gasping for it's final bits of air. I covered it up with a cough. She smiled but her smile didn't match her eyes, her eyes looked like they had a sense of guilt. "I wanted to text you the first time I saw you but I didn't know if you wanted to be bothered, eventually I ended up texting you anyways" I looked at her blankly, I don't know how long I did it for before I muttered up the words "Yeah, well you should've just left me alone." I said that without thinking, the words came out more offensive than I intended, "Sorry, it's just not worth checking on me." She stepped forward quickly "Don't say that," she took another step " You are." I wanted to believe her but with everything I'd been through I didn't know if I could. "Kana, you don't have to say that to make me feel better." she replied quickly but softly, "I'm not, do you think I'd be standing out here freezing if I didn't mean it?" I took a good look at her, she was shivering her hands were buried in her sleeves. I wanted to give her my jacket but my body was frozen, not from the weather, but from her. Again we stood there in silence, it wasn't awkward, just quiet. She looked at me with a more serious expression "Rei, what happened to you?" The question punched me in the face, I didn't know if I should lie or be honest. "Just life I guess." Her face made this sad expression, she was frowning "That's not nothing Rei, you look... different... tired." I looked at the ground and crunched a leaf beneath my foot "Yeah well that's what happens when you stop sleeping and talking to people" She looked down and uttered the words "I'm sorry." "For what?" "For not being there, especially when you needed someone." I didn't know what to say, it wasn't her fault. I looked up at the sky, the stars were bright, the most bright they'd ever been. "You didn't miss much" I said that with a fake smile, she really didn't miss much. She looked at me her eyes reflecting the stars in the sky, "I missed you." Her voice was too soft, for a second I didn't move. I stared at her, I didn't know what she expected me to say, did she want me to miss her too? Did I miss her? "I should go." I turned around and started walking away, I could hear her say one last thing before it became silent again "Wait!" I didn't turn around, I kept walking — all that was left was the sound of my shoes hitting the pavement. CHAPTER 11 ---------------> I didn't sleep, it wasn't even surprising anymore, it was a common occurence. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw her face — the look she gave me before I walked away. She wasn't angry, it was something worse — it looked like pity. As soon as I got home I shut the door, locked it and threw my jacket and gloves on the floor. The silence was more deafening than ever, so deafening that it started making it's own sound. I replayed every little moment, every word, every pause, and every time I said something weird. Why was she speaking like that? So softly.. "I missed you." It was all too surreal, did I miss a life update or something? I could see my phone light up out the corner of my eye, I knew it was her but I didn't bother to get up to go check it. Maybe she'd say that it was her last time trying to connect with me, or maybe she was apologizing again for "Not being there" it wasn't her fault that I was this way, I knew that — but I wanted to blame her, just to place it somewhere. I wanted to grab my phone and apologize, but what would I even say? "Sorry for walking out on you" That just sounds stupid, she probably already knows what person I am, I made it very clear — unintentionally. The bed felt like it was swallowing me whole, maybe that was for the best anyways. Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours, I finally gave in and grabbed my phone — My home screen read two messages from Kana "Did you get home alright?" "I just wanted to make sure you're alright." There was no blame, no anger, not even confusion... just concern. Walking away from her made me feel like a bad person, maybe I am a bad person, she took time out her day to come meet with me, she showed me that she actually cared, something I wasn't used to seeing. I picked up my phone, I wanted to type but didn't know if now was the appropriate time. What if I made her sad? Every instinct in my body told me to just let her move on, to forget about me, to pretend nothing ever happened... but I couldn't, I wasn't sure if I actually wanted too. I typed slowly "Yeah.. I got home okay. Thanks." That was all that I could type without sounding like a complete idiot. I pressed send, I wasn't sure if it was too short or to dry, I wasn't very familiar with texting. I put my phone down and put the covers over me, the covers felt like a nice warm hug, like it was proud of me that I tried. I heard my phone buzz, her reply came sooner than I expected "Good. Don't worry me like that again." Her words carried concern and care. "I have school in the morning Rei, take care." I didn't know if that take care was the end of us, if after this she'd forget about me and move on with her life while i'm stuck in hell. Those words were carved into my brain, I was thinking about all the ways this could end, maybe she's already moved on, maybe that's her goodbye without explicitly saying it. I wanted to text her back, to ask her to stay or if she was mad, but I didn't want to bother her, I didn't want to push her away either. I put my phone on my nightstand, the anxiety that was messing with me all night long was finally starting to fade, it turned into exhaustion. I shut my eyes, trying to focus on the sound of the fan, I could feel myself losing consciousness. I woke up to the sunlight beaming through my curtains, my body felt heavy, like everything I do had to take two times the effort. I wanted to check my phone to see if Kana had maybe texted me something while I was asleep but the covers were too cozy. Eventually I pulled myself together and grabbed my phone off the nightstand. There wasn't just one, not two, but three messages from Kana. For the first time in years I awoke to notifications on my phone, my hands were trembling as I tried to unlock the screen, my heart was racing, it felt like opening this could end my life. All three messages were from her. "Good morning!" "I just made it to my college campus!" "Are you still sleep?" College, the word made me feel guilt, she was somewhere I was supposed to be. I'm twenty one, I should be in college too. I should've had mornings like her, I should be making memories with people but instead I'm here, in my room, barely breathing in a room that hasn't changed since I was 17. It's weird how time keeps moving when you don't, everyone graduates, meets new people, gets older, and make memories. I used to promise myself I'd do better next semester once things started to settle down but they never did. Finally, I managed to type out a few a letters before deleting them and typing again, I slowly typed "Morning, slept well, hope classes go okay for you." For the first time in a while I meant what I said, I really hoped classes would go okay for her. I pressed send, I felt seen, noticed, something I hadn't felt in a long time. I looked around my room. Twenty one years old, Supposed to be in college, making friends and figuring out life, I was supposed to be normal. I hopped out of bed and grabbed the pack of cigarettes I promised to never touch again, grabbed my jacket and walked onto my balcony. As I sparked my cigarette realization hit me, it hit me hard. I've really been living this way for this long. My phone buzzed and I almost dropped my cigarette "Don't fall asleep in class Rei" Her message confused me, I thought she knew I was a hikikomori, or maybe I was just overthinking. I wasn't going to tell her, she already cared too much. I put out my cigarette and went back into my room, my room still smelled of instant noodles and misery. I climbed back into bed, the sheets cold from being untouched. I took my phone from out of my pocket and stared at her message "Don't fall asleep in class Rei." It was pretty bold of her to assume that I had a life, maybe it was better that she thought I was normal, maybe this lie I've been telling is what's keeping her around. I scrolled through old photos of memories and things that used to make me laugh. There were photos of me smiling, I didn't even recognize that version of me anymore. I threw my phone on the floor, I didn't even know why I had a phone, until recently there was no reason for me to have a phone. Was I holding on to hope that maybe someday someone would come and save me? All I do is play video games and exist online. I turned my head and stared out the window, the world was alive — people walking their dogs, conversations, laughter — it all made me feel lonely. I wanted to tell her everything, to tell her what I really was. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, in the end I decided to take a nap. Hours passed and I awoke again, it was dark out now. I grabbed my jacket off my chair and cigarettes off my nightstand and made my way outside. The world at night was completely different, it wasn't suffocating, it was peaceful. I had no destination, I was just walking endlessly through the night. I passed by the convenience store, there were a few college students laughing, probably making their way home from a night of studying. I stopped walking when I was at the park, for a second I thought I saw Kana, her hair flowing in the wind, laughing. I pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and took a hit. "I really messed up, didn't I?" I said to no one. I chuckled a little and continued walking. I wondered what Kana was doing right now, maybe she was studying for a big test, maybe she was sleeping, or maybe....she was thinking of me, maybe even dreaming of me. The last two were just wishful thinking, no way she'd be thinking of me, I'm sure she has bigger things to worry about. I spotted a vending machine in the distance and made my way to it, it had the can of old coffee I used to drink after school. I could see my reflection looking back at me, it looked nothing like it used to. I bought the coffee and started walking back home, it was getting late, I didn't want to be out too late. My cigarette was basically just ashes now, that one seemed to last a bit longer than the other ones. I passed by the park on my way back home, I stared at the swings again before I ultimately decided to go and sit on one. I pop opened my coffee and took a sip, it tasted just like it did back in highschool. It was completely silent, then my phone buzzed. I almost dropped my coffee. I knew it was Kana, who else could it be? Maybe she'd ask if I was okay because I never responded to her text. I pulled out my phone and read her message "You still awake?" of course I was, why wouldn't I be? It's not like I have school in the morning or something. I wanted to say that but instead I said "Yeah, having trouble falling asleep." I didn't really have trouble falling asleep, I was sitting on the swings contemplating if I should smoke another cigarette. Her reply came faster than I expected "Me neither, I had a long day, college stuff you know?" I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how tiring college was, I never been. "Yeah.. I understand." Realistically I didn't understand a damn thing. I looked up at the stars, there weren't so many in the sky like last time. My phone buzzed again "Want to meet at the swings?" I stared at her message for what felt like hours, I was already here, would it be wrong to turn her down? Should I just tell her I'm already here? "I might... already be at the park.." I saw her text bubble appear immediately, I was nervous about what her response would be "Okay! Be there in five!" She seemed excited, can you even seem excited through texts? I pulled out another cigarette and lit it up. I contemplated even taking a sip of my coffee, maybe I'd save it for her instead. A few minutes later I saw a silhouette under the street light by the entrace of the park, she was here, now I just had to brace myself. I looked down trying to brace myself, but when I looked up she was already there, it was like she teleported or something. "Mind if I sit?" I looked at the swing beside me and she sat. There was a pause, not a weird one, a normal one. I offered her my coffee "I promise I didn't put my mouth on it, want it?" "Sure!" she took the can, her hand brushed against mine, I didn't want to make it awkward so I didn't say anything. I stared at the cigarette burning in my hand, I accidentally muttered out the words "I didn't really do much, actually anything all today." "Wait, didn't you have school? Classes?" I smirked a bit, "Yeah, well I should've... I just didn't go." I could see the confusion on her face "Wait so... you just hang out at home these days?" "Yeah, it's easier that way." My voice sounded weak, even to me. "Wait so what about classes? You said you had classes right?" "It's complicated." "Complicated in what way?" I looked up at the stars, they seemed even more dim than they did 15 minutes ago. I let out a sigh " Life, life doesn't treat everyone the same, some things just don't go the way you plan." I could feel her staring me down, I didn't want to look at her, it would just make it weird. "Well, I'm glad we had this time together Rei, tonight's a beautiful night out." I took a puff of my cigarette and with a slight smirk said "Yeah." After that we sat in silence for a while. I felt okay, I wasn't nervous like last time. Kana broke the silence abruptly " You don't get out much do you Rei?" I felt the uneasiness creep in, I didn't know if it was noticeable or not. "I get out sometimes, you know, errands and stuff." This time I made sure to keep my voice firm. "And school?" I laughed nervously, trying to break the tension " Yeah, classes, I go to classes sometimes." My voice cracked on that one, I couldn't keep it casual, the lie was too big. "You don't," she said softly, it sounded like she didn't want it to be true. I looked down at the ground, my cigarette was a few puffs away from oblivion "I haven't been, after highschool, I tried college but it didn't go to well." I whispered in defeat. She stared at me and asked "Wait so... you just stay inside all day, everyday?" I nodded lightly " Yeah, I mostly play video games, and surf the internet. It's easier to exist that way." She was quiet for what felt like forever until she said "Rei.. you're a.... hikikomori?" That word sounded louder than anything else she'd ever said. There was no denying it this time, I admitted in utter defeat "Yeah." she let out a soft chuckle "And you expect me to believe you're in college still huh?" I looked at her and shrugged, "It was the only excuse I had to keep up appearances, I said softly "For people... people like you... who live normal life." For the first time since our reunion, this felt real, there was no pushing or teasing just.. real. She was quit for a moment and then spoke " Rei, I don't care about college or any of that, I just want you to be real with me, okay?" I looked at her, I could see the concern, the worry in her eyes. I muttered "I don't know if I can be normal, but I didn't lie to hurt you, I lied so you wouldn't run away." For the first time I admitted that I really wanted her around. "I should head home" she said softly. "Yeah, me too." I muttered and put my hands in my jacket pockets. We started walking to the exit of the park, before we went our separate ways, she said "You know... we should do this more often. Just talking. Think of it as therapy" I was caught off guard "Therapy?" She stared at me for a second "Yeah, therapy." I shrugged not knowing if I should agree or not, but before I could say anything she said "Night, Rei." "Night... Kana." She turned and made her way home, I turned and made my way home too. Suddenly the night hadn't felt so heavy anymore. CHAPTER 12 -------------------> The sunlight was brighter today, it woke me up even though my eyes were closed. I stared at the ceiling, my body was so heavy, heavier than it's ever been. My phone was next to me, the screen dark, no messages, nothing. The day dragged on, time goes by fast in these four walls. There's no such thing as time in here, just a light and a dark. The sun was no longer stabbing my eyes, which meant it was dark — I grabbed my phone and the same pack of cigarettes from last night. I had no plan, no destination, I was just walking freely. I instinctively walked to the park, the streets were quiet, the world was quiet — the kind of quiet that happens after the world falls asleep. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes I brung with me, put it to my mouth and lit it up. The swings were empty, expectedly. I always wondered what these swings looked like during the day, I hadn't seen this park in the daytime in years, did kids still play here? There weren't that many stars tonight but that didn't bother me. The smoke from my cigarette was therapeutic. Tonight was just me — I wasn't here for anyone, just me, my cigarette, and the stars. My mind played scenarios about what it would be like, and all the missed experiences I lost out on, staying up late night on the with a girlfriend, staying up all night playing video games with my friends, studying for exams with my friends, going out to parks, carnivals, and fairs. Those types of thoughts always made my heart heavy, time is something you can never get back, even I know that. My mind wandered about Kana, her energy, her charm, and her beautiful eyes. She probably was studying with friends, or even stressing about deadlines. Then there's me, in this park with a routine you can barely count as living. I exhaled smoke into the cold, stubborn air and closed my eyes "God, why me? Are you even there? Do you even exist? What's my purpose?" Of course like every other time, I got silence in return. Before I could raise the cigarette back to my mouth I heard a faint sound catch my attention, it sounded like it was coming from the bushes. A cat sped across the park, under the slide, and then out the entrace. Proof the world was still alive, even if I wasn't apart of it. I wished there was someone like me I could meet, but at the same time I wouldn't want anyone to be like me. I wanted to chase the cat but I could see it half way down the road through the entrance gate, it was too far. The wind blew heavy, ashing my cigarette in the process. I got up and laid on the ground, the clouds were cutting through what was left of the stars. I should've laid and watched the stars on the nights where they were at their peak. Footsteps broke the silence, I panicked, was it Kana? Was someone spying on me? I got up quickly, but I couldn't move — I was frozen. It was just a old man walking his dog, he nodded at me and kept moving. Not a single word, just a nod. Even though I was anxious, it made me feel seen. I pulled my phone out of pocket by habit, no new messages. I don't even know why I bothered checking, I was hoping that she couldn't sleep again. As I got up to leave, the same cat came back, maybe it missed me or maybe it wanted something from me. I crouched down and said "Hey" but the cat didn't come any closer, maybe it didn't like me, or maybe it didn't trust people either. The cat just stood there, staring into my soul like it could see I was a loser or something. The cat ran off again, and I sat back on the swing. My mind drifted and I started thinking about Kana, the way her hair flowed in the night, the way her eyes reflected the stars above, her voice was so soft, that it was comforting. I remember when her hand brushed against mine, it was so soft. I hit myself in the head twice and took another hit of my cigarette. Why did I let her see me like this? I'm twenty one and didn't have anything, I'm just a weirdo. She didn't look at me like a failure though, she looked at me, let me speak, I mattered to her. After all this time I mattered to someone. I pulled out my phone again, I wasn't expecting anything, but I hoped for something. Maybe she was sleep or something, maybe she had a huge exam tomorrow, maybe she was still at her desk studying, maybe she was thinking of me. Maybe she was sighing at how stressful her day was. The cigarette embers were closing in on my fingers, I dropped on the ground and crushed it beneath my foot. The clouds covered the moon and the stars completely, leaving me in the dark. It was nothing I wasn't used to. I shoved my hands in my pockets and started walking home, the world was quiet as expected. I wanted to message Kana but I didn't want to interrupt anything she was doing, she could've been busy or even sleeping, college tends to drain people. The light from the vending machine flickered as I was walking passed it, reflecting my face. I looked a little bit different than I did a few days ago. I finally got home, I wasn't in a rush to close the door like all those other times. I shut it quietly, and made my way up to my room. I took my jacket off and threw my phone off my bed. I climbed in right after my phone, the blanket snuggled me, like an embrace. I yawned, shut my eyes and hoped for a better day tomorrow. CHAPTER 13 ----------------------> The night was heavier than usual, I opened my window but the air felt different, it felt heavy, suffocating. It felt like a warning to not go out, but I was out of cigarettes. I threw on my jacket and grabbed my wallet off the desk. The cold air punched me in the face, it felt like the wind had skinned my face off. The streets were empty, just how I liked them, nobody to look at me or judge me. The convenience store wasn't far away, just a fifteen minute walk — nothing I couldn't manage. I could feel my confidence start to fade away the closer I got to the store, the last time I went inside it didn't end well. I could see the lights flickering as I stepped in, it smelled the same as it always it did, cleaning solution, coffee, and candy. I grabbed my usual things: a can of coffee, cigarettes, and a pack of candy. I was finished grabbing what I wanted but I was nervous to checkout. I took 3 deep breaths, walked up, and waited in line. At that moment I wanted to leave but I really wanted my pack of cigarettes. While I was waiting in line, I saw something out the corner of my eye. It was a bright, multicolored flyer taped to the edge of the counter. I put myself on the counter, I got a closer look at the flyer "OPEN TO THE PUBLIC: Spring Campus Festival" The picture had kids from the college holding balloons, wearing different costumes, and food stands. With the way it looked they should have just called it "Youth" That's what it screamed. It was happening at Kana's college. I snatched the flyer while the clerk was busy scanning my items and shoved it in my back pocket. I heard the bell from the door jingle, I heard laughter, familiar laughter. I turned my head stiffly, it was two guys, two guys I haven't seen since highschool. We used to hang out almost everyday behind the school, talking about girls, video games, and stuff we wanted to be once we graduated. They were talking about the spring campus festival, how it was supposed to happen this Saturday. I turned my head back quickly, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I pretended to look at my phone, I overheard one of them say "Dude, is that Rei? Rei from highschool?" I could feel both their eyes burning into my back. They spoke from a distance "Hey, Rei is that you?" I didn't answer, I gave the cashier the money, my hands were shaking uncontrollably. She bagged my items, I grabbed my bag and walked as fast as I could, but one of them said "Dude, where have you been? I thought you moved or fail off the face of the earth or something!" I mumbled something under my breath, something that didn't make any sense, "I've just been busy you know, school...stuff..." One of them said something else but I didn't care — I just walked until walking turned into speed walking, and eventually running. My throat burned by the time I got home, I tossed the bag onto my bed. now, I had time to catch my breath. My mind replayed the first time I saw Kana in the park, how she had that pity in her eyes. They had that same look. I took the flyer out of my back pocket and slammed it on my bed. It was a bit crumbled but was still readable, "Could I really do this. Can I really go?" For the next two there were only two things on my mind, the festival, and Kana. When Saturday came I laid in my bed, I felt sick; I felt like I needed to puke — I wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. My eye bags looked worse than ever, and my stubble was starting to grow into a full on beard. I grabbed the razor from the cabinet and the shaving cream, and started shaving. I didn't want to attract anymore attention to myself than I had to. I cleaned my face, grabbed my jacket, and grabbed my train pass that I hadn't used since highschool. The train ride there was quiet, I sat in the furthest corner, away from everyone else. I watched everyone, there were families, students talking, people scrolling on their phones, and people laughing. Everyone was doing something besides me, I was just rotting in the corner. Before I could even get off the bus I heard the festival music. When I got off the lights blinded me, they were brigher than I expected, there were booths everywhere. Everyone looked so free, there were people singing, laughing, and dancing. I stood by the gate out of fear, my heart rate was at a rate it'd never been before. I scattered the entire festival taking in it's beauty, then I saw her. Kana, her hair was tied up she was standing with a group of people. She had little butterfly clips in her hair, she took a sip of her drink then smiled wider than I'd ever seen before. She looked free, more free than she ever looked with me, she... she looked like she belonged here. I felt my heart physically break, I wanted to go up to her but what would I say? "Hey Kana! Surprise! I came to your college even though I don't go here and im a loser recluse who can't get over himself!" She was shining, she looked happy, happier than she ever did than when she was with me. I turned around, I knew coming here was a stupid idea, my chest hurt, it hurt so bad. My heart felt like it was going to implode any minute now. A tear fell from my eye, me being around someone like her would only dim her light, she needed to shine. I told myself I could do it, even though I knew I couldn't, maybe it was a coping mechanism — maybe I didn't want to face reality. I was closer to the station, I could still hear the music from the festival, it was louder than ever. I grabbed a coffee from the vending machine by the station and sat on the bench beside it. I grabbed a cigarette and lit it, I took a long drag and stared at the stars. It felt like the stars hated me tonight, I'd hate me too. I didn't know why I decided to go in the first place, maybe I wanted to see Kana's real life, or maybe I wanted to show myself I could still walk among everyone else. One cigarette led to two, two led to three, I stopped counting after that. The stars were still above me, but they didn't shine the same — they were losing their light. The sound of laughter filled what was supposed to be silence, it almost sounded fake, like someone purposely recorded it and inserted it into my head. I guessed what she was doing — maybe she was dancing, taking photos with her friends, or maybe trying food from all the various food shacks. Maybe she'd forgotten about me already, I hoped she did for her own sake. I didn't want her to deal with someone like me, someone who can barely count as human. The cigarette was two drags away, I ashed the cigarette on my left hand, it hurt but it didn't hurt as much as everything else did. The train finally arrived again after what felt like years. I walked in defeat, I was still the same person I'd been all these years. The train ride home was quiet, but not peaceful. The sound of the train reminded me of when I was younger, riding to highschool, living a "normal" life. The train announced my stop and I stepped off. When I finally got home I threw my jacket on the floor, I didn't even care to hang it up this time. I threw my phone on the floor somewhere, I didn't want to see Kana's name. Tonight I just wanted to disappear. I couldn't stop thinking about Kana, the look she had at the festival, the way she outshined everyone else. I wanted to sleep but it kept replaying in my head, it was a never ending loop. My mind started playing scenarios that could've happened if I was at the festival, trying new foods, laughing with her, talking about our futures, but no. What made it hurt more was realizing how much pathetic I really was. I heard the sound of the train in the distance, I wondered how many people were on it right now. I wondered if anyone ever saw me and wondered how lonely and sad that person must be. I reached for a cigarette but the pack was empty, I crumbled it and let it fall from my hand. I rolled over and shut my eyes, I wanted to sleep forever, forget that any of this ever happened. I wanted to forget that my existence happened. CHAPTER 14 ----------------------> The darkness in my room was so bright, it was blinding. Last night made me realize that nothing changed, just cause I could go to the park doesn't mean anything. I was still alive, but not living. I stared at the ceiling, all I could think about was yesterday, about the festival, how Kana looked with everyone else. I rolled over and reached for the empty pack of cigarettes on the floor, there was nothing left, I knew; that I just wanted something to hold on to. I let it fall back to the floor, everything felt distorted — like I wasn't real. I could still taste the tobacco from all the cigarettes I smoked, what made it worse was that my mouth was dry. My head was pounding, it felt like someone tore my scalp apart and was slamming a hammer repeatedly at my skull. I sat up, sitting up made my head feel even worse, I honestly thought my head was going to implode. The fan curtains blew, I forgot to close my window. The sun stabbed my eyes. I closed my window and closed my curtains, I wanted to live in the dark, forever. I dragged myself to the bathroom to wash my face, I thought this may alleviate the hell going on in my head. "Maybe I need a lobotomy" Who was I even talking to? I splashed the water on my face but it didn't fix anything. I heard my phone buzz, maybe it was a notication, maybe my mind was playing tricks on me, either way I didn't care. I sat on the edge of my bed; even after sleeping I was still very tired. The air in was thick, almost suffocating. I opened the window again, the cold slapped me in my face, it was a reminder that I still existed. I could see people walking, holding hands, laughing, it was normal people doing normal things. I forgot how it felt to live like that, normal — to not have to think so hard about your purpose in being alive. I sat on the corner of my bed, for a second I thought about messaging Kana, asking her how the festival went. But then I thought about it, I don't think she even knew that I knew. I wanted to tell her that I knew, that I tried going, but that wouldn't do anything — in the end she'd just end up feeling bad for me, and that would just make everything worse. The flyer was still on my desk, I grabbed it. Everything on that paper represented what I couldn't have — warmth, freedom, connection. I crumbled it up and threw it out my window. I wanted to sleep again, to forget everything — but my body wouldn't let me. I grabbed my jacket, I didn't want to leave my house but I wanted...no, needed another pack of cigarettes. I started to feel bad, my mom was leaving me this money and she probably thinks I spend it on video games, cool things online — but no, I'm buying cigarettes. The street outside was quiet like every other time, though it was colder tonight. "Where's the snow?" I said to myself. I chuckled slightly, I don't know why, I just did. The convenience store was now in front of me, all I had to do was walk in. I forced myself in, the door chimed, and the same smell hit. The smell reminded me that I was living the same day over and over again. I grabbed a pack of cigarettes, coffee, and some random burger that probably wouldn't get touched. At the counter, my hands shook again. The clerk said hey with a light grin, it all sounded muffled to me. The only thing on my mind was the last encounter, how everything fell apart in this exact spot I'm in. The clerk said the amount but I didn't hear, she handed me the bag, I handed her the money. Outside I sat on the curb with the bag beside me. I popped open the can of coffee, the last time I had this I gave it to Kana, honestly, I didn't even know if it was last time, my mind was all over the place. The stars were out again but tonight they looked pale, dim, maybe I was dimming their light. My mind wandered to therapy, that night in the park; did she really mean it? I pressed the cigarette against my lips, "Yeah right" I stood up and started walking home again, the cold got worse, the kind that stinged. My mind had been asking me the same question since I started walking home, could I really be around Kana without dimming her light? That thought haunted me all the way home. By the time I got home my body felt heavy, like I had just ran a marathon or something. I threw my jacket on the floor, my room was hot compared to the outside, the air was still thick like usual. I tore open the pack of cigarettes I bought from the convenience store and lit one, the smoke stung my eyes. My phone buzzed, I knew it was Kana, who else would it be? I didn't want to grab my phone but reluctantly did. Her message slapped me in the face " Hey Rei, we haven't talked in a while. I'm just checking in, you haven't been to the park recently." I stared at her message for a second, she didn't know I saw her at the festival. I put the phone face down, I didn't have the energy to lie, not today. I leaned back in my chair; it was so squeaky it was annoying. The thought of lighting another cigarette crossed my mind, but my lungs were already on fire. Another thought crossed my mind, instead of walking to the park like I always do, maybe tonight I'll walk to my school. Part of me thought that if I went back there that maybe I could step into ghosts of who I used to be. I wondered if I was making a mistake tonight, was this like putting salt on a open wound? Another thought crossed my mind — cameras. Hopefully I wouldn't get caught on any cameras. The last thing I needed was someone seeing me wander a school at night think I was some kind of perv or something. The air outside felt different tonight, it felt rejuvenating. The school was fifteen minutes away from the convenience store, so thirty minutes in total. That didn't bother me, I'd walk forever if it meant escaping myself for a while. There was a small opening behind the school, a little gap in the fence near the maintenance shed. If the gate was locked then I could slip through the small gap in the gate, it's what I used to do to skip class. Walking there felt like I was mirroring my highschool self, I was finally someone else for once. I wonder what he'd say to me now, seventeen year old me, staring at twenty one year old me — wondering how I, no we became so fucking pathetic. I missed Kana, even if she never said it out loud, somewhere in her mind she had to think I was pathetic too. I don't know why my life turned out this way, I don't know where I exactly went wrong, I'm at the bottom of the food chain. I wished praying did something, that closing my eyes and begging for change could really change things. But that's not how it works, it never worked that way, every dream was crumbled, all my hope was lost, every aspiration was out of reach. By the time I reached the school the air smelled of youth. The school was way bigger than I remembered. The front gate was locked, as I expected, it always was after the sun went down. I looked around making sure no one would see me and headed toward the back of the school. The gap in the fence was still there, it seemed smaller now, or maybe I'd just gotten taller. I crouched and slipped through, for a second my jacket got caught on the fence. The school courtyard looked wider than I remembered. For a second I envisioned people, groups of people... talking. This is what the world looked like, what living looked like. My footsteps echoed as I walked down the hall, past all the classrooms. I looked into one of my old classes, history, I hated history. I could see myself sitting at the desk I was assigned to, half asleep, pretending like nothing could ever bother me. The thought hit me, what if I was always this way? Maybe fate was real, and this was my fate. I kept walking, the memory was like a punch in the gut. I reached the field, obviously it was empty. Although it was empty, I could hear the noise — the meaningless conversations, all the laughter and stupid arguments. I lit up a cigarette, I knew it wasn't the smartest idea but I didn't care. The bleachers still looked the same as they did years ago, I sat, for a moment I thought of messaging Kana. I wanted to tell her that I was fine and I was at our old highschool, but my fingers wouldn't budge. For a second I thought about putting the cigarette in my hair and lighting myself on fire, if I did, all my problems would go away. No one would miss me anyways, I was a nuisance to my mother. If there was a god maybe he'd have mercy on my soul for all the hell I've already been through, but instead I stared at the field, it was like a graveyard, inside lied everything I used to be. "I'm not normal."I said out loud, I wasn't talking to anyone, it wasn't meant for anyone...I just said it. I took another drag from my cigarette, I hoped that this time when I exhaled, it would take all the shit with it. Just like every other time, it didn't. A slight sound echoed behind me, my body went tense, was it security? I turned around slowly but nothing was there, maybe the metal was tired of my company. I stood up, the metal creaked louder than it ever did. "I shouldn't have come here," I said under my breath. I wanted to leave but I couldn't, it was like my body was addicted to the feeling of all the memories. I sat back down slowly, the cold air plus the smoke from my cigarette made my throat feel weird. "Normal people don't do this, they don't sneak into their highschool after they've graduated to feel something." I said out loud. I had to set myself straight, being here at 21 years old is just....weird. I got up and left the way I came, the hole in the gate didn't try to fight me this time. The night was heavy, heavier than it had ever been. When I got home the silence consumed me. I didn't bother to turn on the light, I never did. I sat at my desk and out of pure boredom turned my computer on. I knew I looked bad but my reflection looked even worse, my eyes looked hallow. My eye bags looked worse than they did before. I snapped out of whatever trance I was in and opened my browser, it was full of tabs I'd never click on. I kept clicking and scrolling like a zombie and accidentally clicked on a an ad, the ad was some stupid cheap ass dating sim. Normally I would've ignored it, half of the time these things were just trying to hack your computer. But tonight I wanted something to distract me, distract me from the way I felt, so I reluctantly opened it. The title screen came up, it was bursting with bright colors and had some animated girl with big tits. I clicked "start." The girl introduced herself, her dialogue was predictable, like the developers knew my fate was to play this game or something. This was pathetic, I knew it — all I wanted was some solace. I kept reading through the dialogue until she eventually asked for my name. I typed "Rei." Did putting my real name make this more pathetic than it already was? She "smiled" and said she was happy to meet me. She didn't know my problems so she couldn't judge me. If she knew she'd probably go against her code and tell me how pathetic I am for playing this shit. I clicked through her dialogue, her voice was gentle and caring. This was stupidly comforting. It wasn't the game, it was what it reminded me of. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" I put my head on my desk and closed my eyes, all I wanted was for this feeling to go away. CHAPTER 15 ---------------> I woke up to the hum of my computer, it felt like it was mocking me. My neck was so sore and my backhurt, I fell asleep in the worst position imagineable. The dating sim was still open and the girls smile was still frozen. Her smile was bright and cheerful, it made my stomach twist. I smelled like coffee and cigarettes. "By what standards am I alive?" I said into the void, of course no one answered me. I grabbed my phone and open Kana's text message, it was still the same "Hey Rei, we haven’t talked in a while. I’m just checking in, you haven’t been to the park recently." I contemplated the thought of telling her I wasn't a good person so she could runaway, but was that really the right thing to do? I didn't know what was right from wrong anymore, I didn't know what was real and what was fantasy. I wanted to reply but what would I even say? "Oh yeah sorry I was at the festival spying on you and watching you talk with all your friends! I could do the same I just decide not to! hahaha.. you know!?" I didn't want to make up some bullshit excuse. I turned my phone off and tossed it on the bed. Maybe if I ignore her she'll realize I'm not the person she thought I was, it's too late for me, I'm not someone who can change. The girl on the dating sim was still there smiling, waiting for me to go through the rest of her dialogue. Her stupid fucking expression really irked me. She didn't care if I went to the park, or that I was a recluse.... she didn't know that I failed in life, and that the life that I once knew was over. Somehow that made it easier to deal with her. I got up and sat back in my chair, I clicked on her and her facial expression changed, she looked...worried...confused. I clicked her again and then her voice, in a soft manner said " Good morning! You looked tired, did you sleep at all?" I tried to laugh but all that came out was some creepy sounding groan. I leaned forward making direct eye contact with the girl, but she never blinked... obviously. I looked at my phone again, specifically Kana's message. I should've replied, but everything just felt wrong. Every response was a lie, I couldn't be who she wanted me to be. I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe. I opened my eyes and picked up my phone as fast as I possibly could. "You shouldn't be near someone like me. I'm a disaster in the shape of a person. I saw you Kana.... I saw you at the festival. You looked alive in a way that I've never been. You're to human for someone like me. Being around me is an impending doom." My hand hovered over the send button. I re-read it at least a thousand times, this was the truth, the truth I never said out loud. Sending this could mean everything between us could crumble. Sending this meant she'd know the true, real me. I hovered but I couldn't do it. I turned my phone off and my screen went black, maybe my phone knew how pathetic this really was and decided to show my reflection has a joke or something. "No... not.. not like that." I leaned back in my chair, the sound of squeaking filled my ears. The dating sim girl stared at me with the same worried expression. This time I didn't want comfort, I just wanted....peace. What would sending that message have fixed? She probably would've ran away, maybe she would've saved me... I don't really know. Kana deserved someone stable, someone who didn't spiral at 4 AM talking to dating simulator characters like that would make anything better. She didn't need someone who went to their high school in hopes of feeling something other than sadness again. She needed people who had jobs, ambitions, things to look forward to. I didn't fit the description for any of that. The room felt smaller than ever, like it had this grip on me and I was exactly where it wanted me to be. My heart beat was louder than ever, I think it was trying to remind me that I was still alive despite all the shit in my life. "I can't lose her... not today at least." I didn't know if that was me holding onto hope or if it was just out right pathetic. I let the message sit there, marinating. What I typed out was honesty, it wasn't polite... it was..me. A part of me just wanted to send her the message and disappear. Maybe sending her this would set me free, maybe she'd..understand. I didn't know if understanding was enough, honestly could you really even understand someone like me? I'm me and I can't even understand myself. I stared at the message again, I felt exposed, sending this was like detonating some kind of bomb. I didn't want to let it sit there any longer, it was either send or delete. My thumbs twitched and my armpits were sweating. Before I could even think, before I could take it back, I pressed send. Everything went silent, the sound of my heart beat and the sound of my breathing, nonexistent. The dating sim girl was just staring at me, it was like she knew I made a mistake or something. I didn't want to see what Kana had to say, maybe she wasn't going to say anything — maybe this was the end, she'd forget me and I'd forget her. I melted into my chair, my back was aching. My phone buzzed, once... and then twice. I didn't want to look, but it was inevitable. I forced myself to reach for my phone. The screen lit up in my face like a flash bomb, through the light I could still read her message " Why would you say that?" As I was getting ready to type she sent a second message. " I'm not scared of you, if I was I would've never reached out. I just want to understand what's going on." My chest tightened, not because her words hurt but because they didn't. She didn't judge me or call me dramatic, she didn't block me or fade into obscurity like I expected. She wanted to understand. The dating sim girls face changed, she looked more worried. She didn't know how to handle this either. Me and the dating sim girl stared at eachother for a few minutes, both processing the situation. I put my phone down, my heart was beating so fast it felt I was going to implode. I didn't know what to reply with. That message she sent, the one where she said she wasn't afraid of me... it stuck with me. Although she texted it, I could hear her voice actually saying it, and it was repeating over and over and over again in my head. Nobody says shit like that to me, not without some ill intention. I picked up my phone, I typed multiple things but in the end I just deleted them all. I pressed the phone against my chest and exhaled slowly. I couldn't hide behind excuses or jokes anymore, I already told her that part of me, plus I didn't have the energy to lie. After minutes of typing something finally came out " I don't know how to explain it." It was the truth, I really didn't. She replied instantly, so fast that it was inhumane. "You don't have to explain, just know I'm here for you." I set my phone down, my hands were trembling uncontrollably, I just wanted to curl into myself and disappear. A part of me wanted to reach for her, I didn't have to explain or act like somebody I wasn't, around her I could be me. The real me. I looked at the dating sim girl again, her face hadn't changed but her energy felt different. Somehow she seemed to know what was happening, it felt comforting. I picked up my phone again, I didn't know if I should reply or just leave it there, I wasn't good at this messaging stuff. I typed something small, but honest. "I just don't want to be alone in this anymore." I set my phone down on my desk, my stomach was twisted and my chest was still tight. This felt like a climax with no resolution. I got up from my chair, it felt like I had been sitting for years. I stared out my window, the street... no the world was quiet. The thought of stepping outside made me sick. I didn't know how far I could walk tonight, I was scared that if I didn't go out tonight I'd never be able to go outside again. I didn't want to go back to how I was before, I couldn't even leave my room. I got up slowly, my legs felt like they could barely support me. The walls felt like they were closing in on me with each step I took that led me closer to the door. I stopped at the door, contemplating if I should just go to sleep or go out. As I reached for the doorknob panic whispered in my ear. "You can't go out, you know you can't. You'll just break." My arm went limp, maybe panic was right. As I started to turn around I remembered Kana's message, "I'm here for you." I grabbed the doorknob tightly, and yanked it open. The stars tonight were bright. I sat on the two steps in front of me and lit a cigarette. The air tonight felt better than it did in a while. CHAPTER 16 -------------------> It was in the later hours of the night when I heard my phone buzz. Like usual I spent most of my time inside avoiding the world and telling myself that going out at night was perfectly okay. I grabbed my phone, I already knew it was Kana, question was, what did she want? I opened her notification. " I'm gonna go grab some snacks, wanna come with?" These were words I hadn't heard in years. My chest felt tight, but it wasn't the same knot that I'd been carrying all these years. I looked around my room for awhile, contemplating her question. I couldn't keep her waiting forever. I typed slowly and carefully "Yeah... sure. I'll go." Before I could second guess myself I pressed send. I set my phone down, my mind was clouded about every scenario that could happen. Someone like me always has a thousand unrealistic scenarios flooding their head. I didn't want to go. This world I was stepping into was different, one I hadn't touched in a while. I couldn't get her "Wanna come with?" message out of my head despite how hard I tried. I didn't have to go far, I've been there a few times since I've became a recluse. I grabbed the doorknob, I started to second guess my decision, maybe I could tell her I was sick or something. I wasn't gonna back out this time. The night air pierced my skin, tonight felt colder than it did all year. I took one step, then another. My heart was thumping in my chest and my legs felt like they would give out at any moment. I walked down the driveway, the street was empty. No cars, no people, no dogs. Just me and the stars above. The sky was pitch black. Sometimes I wondered it the sky felt lonely like me. Halfway down the block my phone buzzed again, a part of me hoped that maybe she couldn't go cause of her parents or some other odd reason. To my expectation that wasn't the case. "I'm at the corner of Shinome Street, take your time." She didn't rush me; she was patient. That was enough to keep me going. I started fidgeting with the straps on my backpack to calm myself down, every step felt one step closer to my heart exploding. I turned the corner and there she was. She was smiling softly, she wasn't impatient, she wasn't judging... she was just there, waiting. I didn't run away this time, something in my head screamed at me "Progress." She waved casually like it was nothing, but to me it was everything. "Hey" she whispered. "Hey." You could hear the nervousness in my voice. She looked at the convenience store across the street and then pointed. "I want some snacks, do you want some snacks? Cause I want some snacks." I don't know why she repeated herself, I guess she really wanted some snacks. The night stood still, for once it felt like the world was actually letting me live. We walked side by side down the street. A part of me wondered if she had school the next day, It was a school night. I forgot the schedule and all the times school was let out on break, it had been that long. Kana walked calmly, she seemed so relaxed, as if the outside world didn't scare her at all. I wanted to ask her how to be normal but I didn't want to ruin the night. I kicked the pebbles along the asphalt, it helped keep me distracted from what was really going on. Kana broke the silence by saying "You okay?" It caught me off guard, her voice was so soft that it almost felt relaxing. "Yeah.." I croaked. I sounded like a decomposing body and the last thing that was left of me was my vocal cords. She looked at me briefly, her smile was faint. "It's a nice night, not too cold, but just perfect." When I first stepped out I was cold, but being around her made me feel warm. "I agree." Those were the first two words I uttered without sounding like a decomposing corpse. The convenience store was closer, the lights were brighter than before. I slowed down a little bit and so did Kana. I took a deep breath and picked up my pace. When we reached the sliding doors they slid open with a soft whoosh. Instead of the store slapping me with the typical coffee, chips and candy smell, I smelled Kana's perfume. Before I could take in how good she smelled she turned around and said "Nothing to it" I nodded slightly and followed behind her. My heart was still pounding and it felt like at any given moment I could have a stroke. Kana grabbed a basket like she'd been there a million times before. I trailed behind her like I was her shadow, except delayed. The store was fairly empty, just some old man browsing the instant noodle section with his kid. Kana tapped me and asked "What do you usually get?" I swallowed so loudly that Kana could probably hear it. " I uh.. I don't really..." I didn't want to tell her that I hadn't been to the gas station with another person in years. She didn't say anything she just nodded. "Well today you're getting something" as she placed some random bag of chips in the basket "You have to get something, non-negotiable." I pretended to look at the shelves looking at random things. She didn't know but her being here with me was all I wanted. I already got what I wanted. I caught myself staring at her, at how comfortable she looked. I envied how she could exist so easily. She turned around and tapped my shoulder again "You doing okay?" Her question didn't catch me off guard this time. "Yeah.. I'm trying." She smiled and said "Trying is enough." Her words wrapped around me like a blanket, I instanty felt the warmth. Coming from Kana, anything she said felt real, like she meant it. She asked if I was ready, I was never ready but I said yeah. I stood by the doors while she was paying. I could hear out effortlessly conversation came to her, it made me jealous. She walked over and asked if I was ready again "Yeah." The doors opened again, and once again her perfume filled my nose. She smelled beautiful. Kana bumped her shoulder against mine. "Thanks for coming with me!" She sounded so excited, I was confused. "I didn't do anything though?" "You did," she said softly, "You came outside." I never told her how big it was to me, but she knew. As we started walking back she offered me a chocolate bar she bought. "For you sir." My hands didn't shake when I took it. The walk back was diffrent from every other night. It was always just me, coming home... no, running home. Tonight wasn't easier, but it wasn't crushing either. CHAPTER 17 --------------------> I slept longer than usual, through the night and half way through my day. The sunlight was burning through my curtains. For a while I just laid there, listening to my own breathing and tapping on my chest. My mind kept wandering to last night, was any of it real? Or was I just in some type of fevered dream? The knot in my chest was still there but it wasn't strangling me like it was before. I sat up and rubbed my face, my body felt so stiff, it felt like it was working against me. My room...no.. my cage, it felt smaller somehow. I checked my phone but no messages. Obviously. I scrolled through some of our old texts, it wasn't much but it was something. Scrolling made me realize how much of a loser I really am; I was always on edge whenever she'd text me. Last night proved to me that I can tear my walls down when i'm around her and be who I really am. I could still smell her perfume from last night, she smelled like coconut and a warm hint of vanila. A part of me wondered if Kana liked me... in that way. That one positive thought was drowned out by the noise of all the other pessimistic thoughts. Realistically she couldn't like someone like me in that way... I have nothing going for me. Absolutely nothing. While my head was in the middle of drowning me in my own thoughts, my phone buzzed. Her name flashed across the screen brighter than normal. "Hey, want to go to the park? I could use some fresh air, studying is killing me. You don't have to stay long if you don't want." My stomach twisted. Every part of my body was yelling at me to scream no. But I didn't. I didn't want to hide anymore, at least not today. I typed back slowly, unsure if I was making the right decision. "Yeah... I'll go." I pressed send without a second thought. My heart thundered in my chest. I wanted to sleep and rot away but I couldn't. If she was there for me then I'd have to be there for her. Getting out of the bed was the hardest part, it felt like all of the ice age was happening in my room. I shoved my hoodie on and stepped into the cold air. Tonight the air felt sharper than ever, so sharp it felt like being stabbed. My legs felt like rubber and my heart was still pounding in my chest. I wanted to stop but I didn't. My phone buzzed in my pocket, it was obviously Kana, question is what did she want? "Same corner as last time okay?" I was relieved that it was nothing more. When I turned the corner Kana was there; casually leaning against the lamp post, it seemed like she had no problems. When she saw me she waved lightly. "Hey!" She said it so charismatically. "Hey!" I said, it wasn't as lively as hers was. "Ready?" she asked. She tilted her head slightly and smiled softly. I nodded, words felt too heavy in this moment. The streetlights above us buzzed softly. I kept my head mostly down, glancing at her when I could. She swayed through the night as if it belonged to her, I envied her ability to exist so carelessly. I yawned, it felt like my entire mouth was going to fall apart from how wide I had opened it. "Did you sleep okay?" "Yeah.. I guess, I don't really know." She nodded and kept moving. The park was only a few blocks away but tonight it felt further, maybe reality tonight was warping its self tonight and with each step I took the farther the park got. I dug my hands into my pockets, the chocolate bar was still there from the last time I had honestly forgot about the chocolate bar. I finally broke the chocolate bar in half. "You want some Kana?" I asked, it sounded awkward. Her eyes sparkled and a smile consumed her face "Seriously!?" I nodded. "Yeah.. here." She took it carefully and we both ate quietly. I don't think I ever shared a chocolate bar with someone before. The simple act of giving her some made me feel like I wasn't so alone anymore. We wandered through the park talking about nothing in particular, stray cats and squirrels stole our attention sometimes, but that was really it. Tonight, I didn't run - I didn't hide either, I was here. Kana tapped my shoulder and smiled "I'm glad you came." The walk back felt different, like the night wasn't pressing down on me anymore. When we reached the corner Kana slowed her steps and said to me "Thanks for hanging out tonight." "Yeah, thank you too." I didn't stutter and that surprised me. She waved before heading off into the opposite direction. "Every night has to come to and end huh?" I said to nobody but myself. Her figure got smaller with each step she took until she eventually disappeared into the night. I started walking home, I noticed something that hadn't occured to me until tonight: I wasn't scared to be outside. Not the cold, not the shadows or streetlights. It was the people, it had always been the people. Their judgements, their eyes and expectations. The world itself wasn't an enemy, it was the people. For the first time in years walking home didn't feel like walking through a battlefield. It felt...normal? When I reached my door another realization hit, I didn't fumble with the keys like someone was chasing me, I unlocked it normally and walked inside. I stood in the dark for a few minutes... just thinking. "Maybe I can do this in the the daytime" The idea scared me but it didn't paralyze me. CHAPTER 18 --------------------> Last night I got too ahead of myself, what was I thinking? That me, I could go out on a day time walk. Too fast. I woke up with that same stupid buzzing in my chest, the kind that's mixed with regret and embarrassment. I hyped myself up for something I had no business imagining. The sun, the people, the noise? Maybe Kana gave me false hope... maybe I gave myself false hope. The daytime would burn through my skin and show all my flaws to the world. I grabbed my phone without thinking. Nothing from Kana, not surprising, she's living. The room was quiet, so quiet that every thought spoke back to me. Maybe tomorrow I can try and go on that walk. My computer was glowing faintly in the corner of my eye, I haven't touched it in a while. The last time I was on my computer I was playing a dating simulator...pathetic. I opened the launcher of a game I hadn't played in years, a game I used to no life with a few people I hadn't spoken to in forever. I shouldn't log in, it'll just be a reminder of who I was. My hand moved before my brain and the game loads with that familiar sound effect I hadn't heard in a while. The login screen appeared, it was still the same as it was when I used to play all the time, I wondered if they even updated this game still. I stared at the screen for longer than I should have. My password still works which is weird, I could've sworn they would've terminated my account for inactivity or something. The moment my character loads into the town square, a chat bubble pops up instantly. [PM from: Hiroshi] "REI..!? HOLY SHIT YOU'RE ALIVE?" Why did this have to happen to me the second I log in. Before I can process anything another message arrives [Hiroshi] "Did you get hacked? Is this a ghost login? Say something. Anything." Fucking Hiroshi...I should've known. The guy always knew when I'd log in. Too energetic, too chaotic, the kind of person that knocks you off whatever fragile balance you had. A different type of notification. Hiroshi is calling you. The ringing sound blew the silence away. I unwillingly join the call, Hiroshi's voice immediately blasts through my headset. "REEEII, WHY DID YOU VANISH? I THOUGHT YOU DIED BRO HOLY SHIT. YOU KNOW I MADE JOKES ABOUT YOU SAYING YOU TURNED INTO AN URBAN LEGEND.. sorry about that... BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY HERE!" It's the same ol' Hiroshi. He keeps talking before I can even utter a word "Dude screw small talk, guess what I've been working on something INSANEEEE and YOU are gonna help me finish it. Great minds think alike right? I need your storytelling NOW! Don't you even think about saying no." I sigh, "What does he mean storytelling? I've never did that shit." Hiroshi had too much energy for me. "I'm uhhh.. I'm creating a romance visual novel," he announces proudly. "But like...I don't know how to write romance, but you do!" I blinked harder than I should have. Me? Romance? Me write romance? The irony made me contemplate jumping out my window. Hiroshi didn't even let me respond before screaming into the mic again. "I already made an entire doc bro. I'll send you it rn. You're going to help me whether you want to or not, it's time for a comeback!" This whole situation made my head hurt. My mind went quiet. Progress, Kana, all of it slips away as Hiroshi screams into my ears. Hiroshi keeps talking, he's talking so fast that his words aren't even making sense. Me writing a romantic novel, I almost laughed. Not because it was funny but because the world has a sick sense of humor. I can't make eye contact with someone without wanting to disappear. How am I supposed to write about love? About connection, about hearts doing this that mine never did. Lost in my thought, Hiroshi brings me back to reality. "Obviously you'll be in charge of the dialogue, you're good at that realistic emotional crap right? I'm not, which is why I need you." Great, now dialogue on top of all the other bullshit. I itch my head. "Hiroshi I can't-" "YOU CAN." "No, I can't-" "YES YOU CAN." It's like he's allergic to the word no or something. "You remember that one time you wrote that NPC dialogue that made our guild leader cry? You have talent dude." I didn't say anything. "I already gave you a role in the credits 'Scenario and Emotional Direction: Rei.' Don't lie dude that sounds official as hell." I put my head down, this was a mistake. I should've never logged in, I should've just gone on that walk instead. Everything he's talking about is just remnants of who I used to be. Hiroshi is familiar. Familiarity is dangerous. "I'm sending the doc right now Rei, don't freak out. it's uh.. it's... it's kinda messy. I know you can fix it though." Maybe this could be my way out, a way in where I can actually make something of myself. I can sit at the top with all the other novelist and manga creators and everyone will respect me and the work that I've done. Plus... I wouldn't need a job. I stared at the doc Hiroshi sent me. It looked like someone had a seizure every five seconds with how bad this doc was. Inconsistent names, typos everywhere... this was a crime scene. I felt a spark, the kind of spark I felt when I was actually living, not just getting by. In the doc it said it was supposed to be a "Slice of life, slow burn romance with emotional arcs and character depth," according to Hiroshi. The girl he wrote, she was barely human, just some random anime girl with blue hair and a random past. My head was giving me all kinds of ideas. I opened up a second doc and started writing, for once my head matched the pace of my hands. I wrote [ Her eyes weren't dramatic, they were soft. Too soft. Too soft for someone who acted like the world didn't scare her. She hid away her worries in smiles she didn't show.] Realization hit me, that wasn't the VN girl, that was Kana. I told myself that it wasn't her, that I was just writing a character. Inspiration had to come from somewhere right? The more I typed the more the realization slapped me in the face. I realized I was shaping the heroine around the way Kana tilted her head when she asked if I was okay. The times she asked me to hangout with her, the way she waited for me under the streetlight... the way she talked soft and careful. The realization should've made me stop, but it didn't. I started typing faster. I kept typing... and typing....and typing. My heart felt like it was trying to break through my chest with how hard it was beating. It wasn't fear... It was hope. Manic hope. The kind that tricks you into thinking life might actually let you win this time. Kana disguised as fiction, My loneliness disguised as romance. My fingers were on autopilot, I couldn't...no, I didn't want to stop. For the first time in years I wasn't thinking about the park, society, or the weight of expectations. For the first time in years I felt like I was doing something, something that actually mattered. I didn't hear Hiroshi rambling in my headset anymore, I didn't even hear my keyboard click while I was typing. Everything was static, like a fever dream. Keep going. Keep writing... keep breathing. I couldn't keep my fingers still, every time I thought I ran out of ideas my head would load up another one. I wrote about her laugh, not Kana's laugh, but the laugh of a normal person. I wrote about her soft hands, not Kana's soft hands, but hands that didn't shake uncontrollably when holding something. I wrote about the way she smelled, she smelled like vanilla. I wrote about the way her hair swayed with the wind, like she was one with nature. It was pathetic, but it was also addicting. "Rei... yo Rei, you good? You're typing like a madman dude." It's like something in me unlocked, like there's a door in my head wrapped around in chains. This romantic novel was the key. All the thoughts I kept buried came in like a landslide. The doc grew twice the size of Hiroshi's. Lines turned into paragraphs and paragraphs turned into scenes. I felt possessed but in a good way. This novel was about feelings, feelings wearing sentences as costumes. Hope...Desperation, loneliness pretending to be inspiration. Inspiration pretending to be love. Love pretending to be Kana. This is the most alive I've felt in years. My face felt like it was going to fall apart from how wide and long I'd been smiling. Hiroshi let out a fake chuckle, it was obvious. "Rei, dude are you okay? You sound weird right now.." "I'm fine." I lied, my voice sounded dead, "I'm working." "Working? Dude you've literally wrote 2,000 words in ten minutes, are you working or are you dying?" I didn't know if I could be more dead than I already was. I kept typing faster and faster, if I stopped I'd lose the spark... If I stopped I'd be me again. My heroine was Kana. I was writing a fantasy about a girl who thinks about me once every few days...maybe. "Rei you don't have to write the whole thing in one day." But I had to. For the first time in years I wasn't just Rei the recluse, I was Rei, Rei the creator. Rei the artist. I stopped to crack my neck and fingers. When I tried to write again I couldn't, nothing meaningful would come out. It was like cracking my neck and fingers snapped me out of whatever trance I was in. It all came to a dead stop, one second I was typing like my life depended on it — but the next...everything stopped. Not gradually, just dead end. Stop. My breathing went uneven, my hands slipped off the keyboard, my vision unblurred, it was over. "Rei you okay dude? You haven't made any type of sound in the last ten minutes, are you even there?" I didn't say anything. The spark in my chest was burned out, like whatever fire was left in me was put out by cold cold water. Everything about the doc looked wrong, it looked desparate. "Rei? Dude? Hello? Say something." Emptiness consumed me. "I...I can't...I can't think, all the ideas... they're all gone. Hiroshi laughed "Dude obviously, you definitely burned out. You were writing like a madman. Take a break alright?" My room felt too quiet, like the silence was hugging me and welcoming me back. "Rei you still there?" "Yeah," I said. "Look Rei it's fine" Hiroshi said, "Just take a break, go get water or something. We can go over the draft later." I minimized the document, I didn't...no, I couldn't look at it anymore. The emptiness spread all through out my body like cancer. "Hiroshi, I'm gonna go to sleep, I'm tired." Hiroshi chuckled a bit, "Yeah I bet you are. Sleep well." The high was over, now began the fall. CHAPTER 19 ----------------------> CRASH PT 1. I couldn't sleep after everything that happened. I grabbed my jacket and opened the front door. The night time greeted me with open arms, almost like it was happy I was back. The streets were empty. Streetlights hummed overhead. The world felt paused. I liked nights like this but tonight felt different. Tonight my head was too loud. The world built me up just to beat me down again. I don't know why I believed it this time, that it'd actually be different. The wind blew gently. The cold slapped me in the face just enough to remind me that I was still alive, still breathing. For a second I saw her. Kana. She was standing under a streetlight a few lights ahead. She tilted her head the same way she always tilted in when she asked if I was okay. She was just standing there, like she'd been waiting. I stuttered multiple times before I could speak her name. K..K...Kana?" I blinked and she was gone. The spot under the streetlight was empty. Of course it was, why would she be out here? Kana had things to do, things to attend to, she slept at normal hours. Kana didn't haunt the empty roads at 3:30 AM. My delusions kept persuading me. Everytime I turned a corner I expected to see her there, walking ahead of me. I didn't know if it was a hallucination, or the sleep deprivation. Maybe I was just losing it. Each step placed another piece of her. Her footsteps beside me, the wind whistling sounded like her when she asked if I was okay. I sat down under the streetlight she was under before she vanished. Maybe it was a reminder that I was building a fantasy around a girl who had been nice to me only a handful of times. That's my problem, when someone shows me a little human decency I take it the wrong way and mistake it for something bigger than it should be. That's the reality of being me. She cared, sure, but was it really the kind of care that my mind built my mind built her up to have? "I'm so stupid," I whipsered under the streetlight and into the empty street. The streetlight flickered and there she was again, sitting beside me. "I'm sorry Kana." She smiled and the street light flickered again, and in the instant that she appeared, she disappeared. The streetlight stood firm again, buzzing like nothing ever happened. I pulled out my phone. Kana's name sat at the top of my messages I typed "Hey..." I stared for awhile. Backspace. "Have a good day at school tomorrow!" Backspace. "I saw you tonight..." Backspace. What was I doing? How was I going to explain something that didn't make any sense? Kana was sleep, she had school in the morning. Kana wasn't thinking about me. She had a life to attend to tomorrow. Maybe I could just say goodnight. I typed "Goodnight" and stared, the cursing kept blinking like it was impatiently waiting for me to send the message. What if she replied out of pity? What if she didn't reply at all? What if I had to lie? What if I slipped up and told her everything? My heart beat painfully. I couldn't message her, not like this. I'm never in my right mind but this... this is something new. There's not one ounce of myself that I can recognize. I wanted to cry but no tears would come out. I could feel my heart physically breaking. Maybe my own death would be from my own heart tearing apart. Maybe tomorrow I'd text her. Maybe tomorrow I'd help Hiroshi again. Maybe tomorrow I could pretend all of this never happened. I shoved my phone into my pocket and stood up. My legs felt like twigs from the cold. I kept telling myself tomorrow would be better to comfort myself but only time would tell. CHAPTER 20 --------------------> CRASH PT 2. I woke up, a part of me was hoping I wouldn't. I didn't know what time it was neither did I care. My body felt so sore even though I didn't do anything. My head was throbbing from the bombardment of thoughts that swarmed my head last night. By the time I sat down at my desk the little bit of energy I had was completely gone. My computer screen lit up my face, the screen was too bright, so bright that it felt like someone threw a flashbang at me and it exploded right in front of my eyes. Hiroshi was already calling, of course he was. No surprise. The ringtone yelled through my headset. I accepted, now instead of the ringtone it was Hiroshi blaring through my headset. " REIIIIII GOOD MORNING DUDE, WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO! Wait.." He paused for a moment. "Dude, you sound dead.." Dead was a good example, it's how I felt. "I'm fine," I said, my voice cracked halfway through the lie. I don't know if Hiroshi bought it or if he just decided not to push. "So Rei," he said with cheer. " Ready to go over the draft?" I felt my stomach twist, it was inevitable. I opened the doc anyway, a small part of me hoped that I, or Hiroshi forgot to save the document. It was still there, like I expected. Pages on pages on pages of text that came from me, Rei, in a deluded state. I scrolled and scrolled, the doc felt like it was never ending. "Did I really write all this?" I mumbled under my breath. The worse part about it all is that it wasn't bad, it was actually good, too good. Hiroshi was singing some kind of song into his mic. "Dude, you went crazy last night, this is insane." Insane was one way to put it. Hiroshi read multiple lines out loud, "Damn dude this is good" Hiroshi said, still scrolling. "It's like, it's... it's emotional as hell, I didn't know you had it in you dude." I agreed. Hiroshi kept rambling about different routes and scenarios, and things that could be different. "Hey Rei, you based her off someone right?" He said jokingly, "The heroine I mean." My stomach turned "No," I said quickly. Too quickly. I don't know if Hiroshi noticed or if he was just pretending to not know. "Well Rei, you did your part, I'll handle the coding" I sighed. I kept scrolling from paragraph to paragraph, I started questioning if I was really a human or if I was a spirit haunting a human body. I thought about last night, about how I thought I saw Kana under the streetlight. A part of me thought about adding that into the VN but it felt wrong. I didn't even know what I was writing anymore, was it a story? A fantasy? I started questioning myself, was I in love with Kana? No, I loved that I was seen, that someone could see me better than I could see myself. "Hiroshi, I'll be right back." "Alright," Hiroshi said. I sat up and walked towards the window. I wondered if anyone from highschool knew I was a recluse now, they had to have an idea right? I missed a lot of school back then. I wondered if Kana told her friends that she reconnected with me, and that the only reason she'd hang out with me was because she got dared by her friends or something. I grabbed the half burnt cigarette off my nightstand and lit it. I leaned against my window, staring outside at nothing. I kept wondering...if Kana did talk to her friends what did she say? "Hey you won't believe who I saw, Rei, you remember him right? Yeah he's still a weirdo." I sighed, did it even matter, it's true anyways. I threw my cigarette out the window and walked back to my desk. "Hiroshi, I don't know about this." Hiroshi stopped singing instantly, "Bro, what do you mean?" He sounded confused. "I don't know... I think I made her too real.." Hiroshi chuckled a bit, "Made who too real? The heroine? Yeah you most definitely did but that's the good thing about it," He paused "That's how you make good characters." Hiroshi spoke again before I could mutter anything. "Take a break if you need bro," he said cheerfully, "You did amazing, now all I have to do is my part... we could make something great, no... something... real." Real? I thought to myself, was any of this real? "Yeah, maybe so. I'll work on more later." I said. "Bet bro just text me when you're ready to draft the next scene!" He hung up immediately after saying that. I turned my computer off, if I kept it on I'd just look at the document again. The novel became a blur between reality and fantasy, I didn't know what was real anymore. CHAPTER 21 -----------------------> I didn't remember falling asleep, I don't know if I really fell asleep or if my spirit left my body. One second I was sitting under a streetlight persuaded by my delusions, the next I was writing and talking to Hiroshi, and the the third I was just waking up. My thoughts were interuptted by the sound of a ringtone from my headset. He always called early, too early. I didn't want to answer but avoiding him wasn't an option, he wouldn't just up and disappear if I didn't answer, he'd just call again and again and again and again. I stretched, rubbed my eyes, and answered. "Rei! Finally! Holy shit, I thought you died again. Anyways listen, I stayed up ALLLLLLLLL NIGHT coding the scene you wrote, dude.. it's so fucking good, I don't think you understand how good it is. My friend tested out the game and said the heroine felt real, too real.. weirdly real. That's a hugeeee compliment, half the VN romances have zero emotional depth." Hiroshi kept talking and talking and talking and talking. When he finally paused I asked him "So... what do you need me to do today?" Hiroshi spoke immediately, "Oh yeah right! Ok so we're basically in the final stretch, you wrote so much in that one night that we skipped days of writing. You just need to finish the last route thingy, I think it's called the climax. After you do that I'll put the subtitles, the music, and everything else. We can actually publish this Rei, REALLY publish this." I cleared my throat. "I'll try," I said. Hiroshi didn't let me doubt myself, "You CAN do it bro, this is literally the final stretch, you just have to do the confession scene and the aftermath and BOOM baby, we can make fucking history. We can have thousands... maybe even millions of dollars to our name!" He made it sound like we were solving world piece when realistically we're just two losers making a stupid romance game. I came too far to quit now. I opened the doc and there she was again, the heroine. I tried to tell myself it was okay, that she was the only girl who ACTUALLY talked to me. It'd make sense to blend her in right? I started writing, and I kept writing, if I stopped then that would mean I'd have to start thinking again. Thinking meant spiraling. Spiraling meant delusions. Hours passed, I could tell because the sun started to go down. It didn't bother me though, it's not like I had someone waiting for me. Hiroshi joined the called abruptly. "DUDE FUCK YEAH!" It sounded like he had a mouthful of food and was swallowing while at the same time trying to speak. "Rei, the way she confesses makes me wanna get up and go confess to a random girl on the street!" I chuckled slightly, "What does that even mean Hiroshi?" Hiroshi giggled "I don't know man." By the time I started writing the final paragraphs my hands were shaking, not because of fear, but because I was writing a life for the MC about things I never did. I stared at the last line for awhile. " When the sun starts to set and tomorrow forgets me, when the world marches forward without me, meeting you was the only thing that made me feel like life was worth living." I stared at that line for a good five minutes before I sent the doc to Hiroshi. Hiroshi started screaming into the mic a bunch of nonsense, all I could hear was the occasional word "Good." He was overly exicted, I should've been too but I wasn't. "So... we... we finished?" I said. "YES BRO WE'RE FINISHED, THIS IS IT! THE BEST NOVEL KNOW TO MAN!" I didn't feel any sense of accomplishment. People would read the VN and feel things because of Kana... a Kana that wasn't real. A Kana built by a singular person's delusion. "Hey," Hiroshi said, "All jokes aside I'm proud of you dude, you really pulled through. Thanks." That helped a bit, but not enough. "Hey Hiroshi, I'm gonna take a break... talk to you later." "For sure!" He said. I hung up. I opened the finished VN and clicked through all the scenes and scenarios, it felt like reading someones diary. All this novel reminded me of was that I wrote a fantasy because reality wasn't enough for me. Finishing it didn't change anything. I was still Rei, I was still alone, I was still a recluse. Hiroshi sent me a message, "BRO IT'S DONE, I ADDED THE CREDITS AND EVERYTHING ELSE, WE FUCKING MADE IT BABY!" I don't know why he was so confident, it literally just uploaded. I did my part, the VN was over, but the emptiness didn't go anywhere. CHAPTER 22 -----------------------> I woke up to the ringtone of Hiroshi through my headset all the way from my bed, calling me again. What could he possibly want? The VN is over, I did all that I can possibly do already. My phone started ringing. Kana? No, it was Hiroshi. How'd he even get my number? I grabbed my phone and answered. "Hiroshi how did you get my number dude?" "You gave it to me a long time ago, you may not remember but you did. Anyways look I've got a problem, a problem that could end my career." I sat up, confused, "What happened?" "I have homework." Hiroshi said sadly. I waited for him to continue but he didn't. "Ok, and?" "And I don't understand ANYTHING.." I was confused, wasn't he the one in college? "What's the assignment Hiroshi...?" Hiroshi spoke quietly "It's an essay, it's due tonight, I could really use your writing skills.." "What subject?" "It's...It's uh... philosophy." Hiroshi paused for a second then spoke again, "Rei you're really good at writing I could use you, please.." I didn't want to help him but I reluctantly agreed, "Fine, send it." "No no no, you don't understand" Hiroshi said, "This had to be done in person." "In... person...?" my chest tightened instantly, "Y-you're coming here?" I said. Hiroshi answered instantly, "Well it depends, do you want to come over or do you want me to come over?" Before I could even answer Hiroshi decided that he'd come to me. "I've decided, I'm coming to your place Rei." He hung up abruptly. My room need cleaning... deep cleaning. My room smelled like instant ramen, cigarettes and death. I grabbed everything and threw it into the closet, I opened my window so the smell could leave the room. Now all I had to do was wait. I didn't want anyone over, I didn't want anyone in my personal space. Hiroshi wouldn't take no for an answer, ever. It made me feel a little bit good knowing someone insisted on being in my life. I started dozing off but was awoken by the sound of banging on my front door. "It's open!" I screamed reluctantly. The door flew open so hard it sounded like someone broke in. Hiroshi stumbled in looking like a homeless guy from the 1900s. Guess I'm no better I thought. "Damn dude you look dead," Hiroshi said cheerfuly. "Yeah well you smell like ramen and mildew," I said. "Yeah well I just ate ramen and I haven't washed these clothes in like a week," Hiroshi said queerly. "Just show me the assignment..." Hiroshi took of his backpack and searched for the assignment frantically. When he finally found it, it was all crumbled. "Look" Hiroshi said. I read the it. "Write a four page essay on what it means to live honestly in modern society. I almost chuckled, a four page essay on what it means to live honestly in society. The irony of it all. I took a deep breath before I spoke, "Hiroshi just talk about your life..." Again, I took another deep breath before I spoke, "Read to me what you've got so far." Hiroshi cracked his knuckles and cleared his throat, " In modern society it's impossible to be authentic cause everyone is full of shit and society is fake. The end." Hiroshi chuckled nervously, even he knew how sad this situation was. "How long did this take Hiroshi," "Uh... t..two hours." I stared at Hiroshi for at least a minute, "Dude how are you even in college when you're this stupid?" We both started laughing, it was the kind of laugh when you realize how ridiculous an entire situation is. I laughed, genuinely. For the next two hours I helped Hiroshi on which direction he should take: whether authenticity meant being yourself or being a version of yourself be tolerated. He listened, I listened, together we threw ideas at eachother. When we finally finished Hiroshi sighed, chuckled a bit and said, " Why do I actually feel like a student for once?" I smiled a bit, "That's a dangerous feeling." Hiroshi looked like he wanted to say something, "What is it Hiroshi?" "Y'know, I know the VN doesn't mean much to you but working on that with you actually made me feel like I was doing something right for once." Silence filled the room once more. Hiroshi got up fast, really fast, "Dude I forgot to tell you but Kana spoke to me yesterday." My body felt instantly hot, "..What..?" Hiroshi grinned, "Yeah dude she messaged me, she said she saw the VN and thought the art was really cute!" My body heated up even more, "Is... is that it?" I couldn't tell if Hiroshi could hear the panic in my voice or if he was just playing it off. "Mhm," Hiroshi said, "Well I gotta go, I gotta shower and I also got school in the morning." Hiroshi stood up and grabbed his bag. Before leaving he said " If you're up for it we should hang out more," "Maybe," I said. Then he left, my room was completely silent again, silence meant thinking. Kana saw the VN, she liked the art, she called it cute. Hiroshi was messy and stupid but he was still full of energy. He flew through life like a bird despite smelling like mildew and ramen. I don't know if he always did or if it was just this one time. I read over the essay we wrote on another piece of paper, it was dumb but honest. The room in my air felt stale. Too stale. My phone buzzed, for a second I thought it was Kana, but it was Hiroshi. "I just made it home, thanks again dude, you probably saved my life." I typed a thousand words before deleting them all and sending 'No problem.' I got back into my bed, the bed was still warm from when I was laying in it. I closed my eyes and told myself I'd get up in five minutes. Five minutes turned to hours. CHAPTER 23 --------------------------> I woke up, the time had shifted from night to day. 'I knew five minutes would turn to five hours.' I looked around my room, I was still in the state of waking up and actually being up. My room felt different now, maybe because a real human being besides myself entered the room. Once I came to my thoughts filled the silence. Kana saw the VN, she saw something I was apart of. I stretched. My body was so stiff it felt like my muscles were tearing apart. I got up, walked to the bathroom and turned the light on. I looked at myself in the mirror. My face was pale, my eyes were baggy, and my stubble had went from clean to "Holy shit." Hiroshi coming over made me feel something different about myself. The laughing, the joking, the working. It shouldn't have affected me this much but it did. I grabbed the razor I hadn't touched since the last time I tried to fix myself. I thought about last time, how I only shaved one side of my face before calling it quits and going to bed. I grabbed the shaving cream and got to work. With every swipe a old part of myself was dying, I was scraping away what I didn't want to look at anymore. When I finished I almost didn't recognize myself. My skin didn't look as bad as I thought it would look. I looked mildly handsome... at least I think. I took a deep breath, "Okay," I whispered while exhaling. I took off the shirt I was wearing and put on a fresh, clean shirt. I grabbed my ushanka I hadn't worn since high school and put that on too. I stepped outside for the first time without a reason. No Kana, no Hiroshi, no park, no store. Just me. The cold air slapped me in the face, it stung more this time since I was cleanly shaved. Cars passed, a couple walked by laughing, another couple was making out in the middle of the sidewalk. I felt small to everyone else, like I was coming back to shore after being on a expedition that lasted years. I didn't want to face the truth but it was obvious, either go back to school or get a job. I wasn't ready for either. I talked to Hiroshi, talked to Kana and even went to the convenience store with her. That was enough right? Today I felt different, maybe it was the clean shave or the new clean shirt. Maybe it was the world paying me back for fucking me up. I stood, watching the crosswalk light blink red and then white. I didn't know what I was doing, or where I was going. I followed behind some old man to blend in with the rest of the crowd. He flowed effortlessly through people, I was so close behind him people probably thought I was his son. "Should I keep going?" I mumbled under my breath. Just then a warm smell in my face, the smell of baked bread from a tiny cafe on the corner. I never noticed it, it never noticed me. I slowed down, not because I wanted bread but because the writing on the window caught my attention. A handwritten sign in blue and red marker : 'HIRING! EXPERIENCED OR UNEXPERIENCED! TRAINING PROVIDED.' I stood there for a moment, the convenience of this was surreal. I didn't need a background to work here, besides I didn't have a background, all I had to my name was a highschool diploma. The bell above the door jingled, it sounded just like the convenience store me and Kana went to that night. The inside had strips of yellow lights on the wall that made it look ethereal, like it was made or inspired by some slice of life anime or something. People were sat tables, laughing and living. I didn't belong here, I knew that, but I was already here right? A woman looked up at me, hair in a bun and small stains of flour on her apron. It was already bad enough I was here, what made it worse was this woman looked like she was my age...like she was everything I was supposed to be. "Hello sir," she said. "Are you here for the job?" I nodded. Her voice was too normal, everything about this situation was to normal. She didn't know I had been hiding away from the world since high school, now i'm 21 trying to get a job at a fucking bakery. She smiled, her smile was bright. Too bright. Blinding. "Can we talk in the back?" My throat felt tight, what if I just started rambling a bunch of nonsense? "Talk in the back? Sure.." I said. I wonder if she could hear the nervousness in my voice. "Follow me," she said. She did some gesture with her finger, reluctantly I followed her. She took me to the back of the cafe. I've never been to the back of any establishment, this was all new. "So," she said, wiping her hands on her apron. "Any past experiences, it doesn't have to be food or cafe related." Suddenly everything in my head, every worry I had felt small compared to what she just asked. Experience? Was I supposed to tell her that all I've done with my life was rot away inside and the only little experience I had was making a VN? She wasn't impatient which made it worse, she still had that same blinding light radiating from her face. "I...uh.." I cleared my throat, "I haven't worked anywhere in a long time." "How long if you don't mind me asking?" I opened my mouth but nothing came out, I probably looked like a scarecrow. I closed my mouth and tried again. "A year, maybe more," I said. It wasn't a lie, I really hadn't worked in the past year. The full lie was that I never worked. Something in her body language shifted, "That's okay," she said. "We do train people but... we need someone comfortable talking to customers, y'know, ringing stuff up. How does that make you feel?" That was it, that was the end, the end of this run. "I..I can learn," I said. She smiled but her smile wasn't as bright, it wasn't blinding anymore. Just soft. "I think you need something behind the scenes, I'm sorry but we don't have a position avaliable like that right now." It wasn't cruel. It was the truth. Reality delievered as softly as possible. "I understand." I could see it in her face that she felt bad. I thanked her and walked out. The same bell jingled but it didn't jingle the same. Maybe this was my fate, to be a hikikomori. I walked down the sidewalk with my head down, I didn't want anyone to see the failure that I was, If I kept my head down no one would know. My chest was tight but not in a scared way, more like a quiet acceptance that this would be my life until I died. My phone buzzed in my pocket, a part of me already knew it was Hiroshi, a part of me wanted it to be Kana. It was Hiroshi, asking if I was alive. "You up? Are you alive? If you are I got some news for you." I typed... deleted... typed... deleted. "What's up Hiroshi?" He typed fast, "That essay we did, my professor said it was great, I scored the second highest in the class!" A part of me cared, a part of me didn't. Hiroshi typed instantly, "wyd?" I stared at the phone for a moment, wondering if I should tell him what just happened. I couldn't muster up the courage to do so. "Just walking." I didn't lie but I also wasn't telling the truth. Hiroshi responded instantly, "No way you're voluntarily outside, this is a world moving moment!" "Yeah," I said. Hiroshi didn't say anything for a couple seconds, though it felt like minutes, "You alright?" I could've said yeah, but I didn't. "I tried applying for a job," Hiroshi responded insantly, "Where???????????" "Some small bakery I've never seen before by the crosswalk." Again, Hiroshi responded instantly, "Well what happened?" "Didn't get it." I thought Hiroshi would respond with some dumb joke, or maybe say something about how the VN could change our lives or something but instead he wrote "That fucking sucks man." It felt weird that Hiroshi wasn't making everything a joke. Hiroshi wrote again, "You tried and that's enough." I didn't know how to respond, I wasn't used to compliments. Hiroshi flooded in another text. "Wanna grab some food later? Treat is on me, I owe you for helping me with my essay." I put my phone in my pocket and kept walking. I didn't want to answer yet. A group of college kids walked past me, they were laughing, talking, acting like normal human beings. I wondered if I could be that way, a "normal" human being. They were from the same college as Kana, I could tell by the symbol on their shirts. Youth. Something I experienced but also didn't experience at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could rewrite my youth. Rewrite my life. Reincarnate. Be somebody else besides Rei. I looked up at the sky, it was cloudy, maybe the sky was reflecting my emotions. My phone buzzed again, I was too lost in my thought that I forgot to answer Hiroshi. "Rei don't make me come to your place, you know I will right?" I took a deep breath and exhaled. This was normal, just typical Hiroshi. A couple seconds passed before another message came in, "We can just grab takeout, we don't even have to eat inside, just let me feed you." What did he mean by feed me? "Uh..." I typed, "Did that come out wrong?" Hiroshi replied instantly, "Yeah, horribly wrong...sorry." I took a few seconds before responding, "I don't know man I feel like shit..." He responded instantly, "Yeah dude of course you feel like shit, you tried something Rei, you went out and tried." "Can I at least bring you food and leave it at your door?" I stared at that message for awhile. He was pushing but at the same time he wasn't, he was giving me options. Before I could start typing Hiroshi texted again, "You can't go back inside and disappear again, please." That message resonated with me more than it should have. I exhaled, "Fine. Takeout only. I'm not eating inside." Hiroshi replied fast, so fast that my screen glitched, "Bet, meet me by the convenience store in like fifteen minutes. If you wuss out I'll drag you out myself." The sky looked softer now, too soft. I turned around and started walking toward the convenience store. On the way I kept thinking about the bakery girl, I wondered if she pitied me. Everyone in the cafe was normal, doing normal things. It felt like I was evicted from normalcy. I wondered if Kana had a job, if she worked at a bakery like the bakery girl, or maybe she worked with different animals. Maybe she didn't have a job, maybe she was just in school. I wondered what she would say if she saw me now, fresh shave with a clean shirt. I stopped thinking before the thinking consumed me. I made it to the convenience store, I must've made it before Hiroshi because he was no where in sight. Just then my phone buzzed, "GIVE ME FIVE MORE MINUTES I'M ALMSOT THERE!" He couldn't even spell right, I didn't know if he was excited or if he was just rushing. I stared at myself in the reflection of the convenience store glass, I looked like I had my life together, a fresh shave and a clean shirt. I wonder what Kana would think. I stared at my reflection for minutes until a sprinting sound snapped me out of the trance I was in. Hiroshi appeared in my peripheral, barreling in like he was running away from the mafia or something. He was screaming something while wheezing, whatever he was saying I couldn't make it out. "REIIIIIIIIII," he wheezed "I'M HERE, I MADE IT!" I looked at him for a few seconds, "You're a few minutes late Hiroshi..." Hiroshi was struggling to catch his breath but managed to wheeze out the words "I know, I'm sorry," I sighed. He caught his breath, stood up straight and grinned.Hiroshi had the kind of grin that had life in it. "Alright," he said, "Let's go get some food, my stomach is growling at me." "Where do you wanna go?" I asked. Hiroshi shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know but you're actually outside, let's go where your anxiety doesn't kill us both." We started walking down the block toward some ramen shop I used to stare at outside the window of the bus I used to ride when I was in highschool. "Remember, takeout," I said. Hiroshi nodded. We finally reached the entrace of the ramen shop. "Let us feast on failed attempts and bravery!" Hiroshi said. "Stop talking Hiroshi." CHAPTER 24 -----------------------> The smell of broth, vegetables, and something sweet slapped me in the face. Hiroshi walked in first, Hiroshi's energy was so upbeat while mine was dead - I wonder if anybody could tell. The shop wasn't big, it had a few tables and two booths. Every table was taken by college kids slurping noodles so loud that I couldn't hear the sound of my own thoughts. The lights hung down low, so low that all you had to do was put your arm up and your hand would graze the lights. I felt out of place, unwelcome. The energy was too positive and that was suffocating. We stood awkwardly near the entrance, I was mimicking Hiroshi, I didn't know what to do in such a situation. The voice in my head started speaking. *Behold the hikikomori outside is natural habitat! Will he freeze? runaway? or keep his shit together!* Hiroshi nudged my shoulder, "The sign says wait to be seated." I looked. It did. That's why we were standing here. If I came here alone then I would've embarassed myself by running to a seat to blend in. Some fairly old waitress nodded at us while seating a group of college students. They were laughing like manically, there's no way anything could be that funny. The last time I laughed that hard was when I was writing that stupid novel with Hiroshi and lost my self in that fucking heroine. "We're getting takeout right Hiroshi?" "Yeah dude. Chill," he said, "We gotta order at the counter." I sighed, that was to much human interaction. Hiroshi noticed how nervous I was. "Rei it's ramen, it's not a fucking test. There's only three options. Pork ramen, miso ramen, and shrimp ramen." I squinted at the menu, he wasn't lying. Three was still to many options to choose from, it's not like I had all day to decide like I usually do. Before I could decide what ramen I want the cashier stared directly at me. "Hello you two, what may I get for you?" This was it, this was my public humilation. "I um... I'll have the uh.. the miso ramen." I sounded like I was being held at gunpoint, trying to figure out my last words before I died. "Anything else sir?" she asked. "No." Hiroshi spoke next, "Add one egg in his please." Hiroshi ordered after me, like an adult, like someone with basic social capablities. I wondered if I could get that fluid in interaction. Realistically probably not, I'd probably die before mastering the art of ordering ramen. Hiroshi handed over the money to the cashier and we stepped aside. I looked around at the tables again, just normal people enjoying normal food with normal friends. Then you have me in the corner, sweating because I said nine or so words. The voice in my head was like the narrator of my life: *the life of a hikikomori filled with battles to the death!* It was pathetic that I could barely function but I was here right? Being here was enough. A worker called out, "Miso ramen ready to go!" I stepped forward and grabbed the bag, Hiroshi grabbed his after. "Ready to go?" Hiroshi asked, "Yes." We stepped out the ramen shop like we were popstars, but in reality we were just two losers. Hiroshi let out a sigh of relief, "I forgot how loud that place gets during exam week." Ah yes, exam week, a week that proves people still have some sort of future. "Where do you wanna eat?" He asked, "Somewhere quiet." Hiroshi sighed, "Of course you wanna eat somewhere quiet." We walked down the street with are bags of ramen. I kept my eyes on the ground, watching my feet step by step. I didn't want to risk the chance of making eye contact with someone and withering away. We turned on the corner of a building I'd never seen before. "Ta-da! This is it, you like?" It wasn't much, just some raggedy bench. "Yeah." I opened the bag and took the container out, the smell of miso filled my nostrils. The narrator in my head spoke again, * the hikikomori eats ramen in the wild, it is important to feed the creature in calm spaces to prevent a potential relapse." "Shut up, I'm not a creature." Hiroshi looked up from his container of ramen, "Talking to yourself again?" "No, I'm talking to the the narrator who thinks its funny to do a voiceover of my life as if i'm the protagonist of an anime." Hiroshi sighed, "Yeahhhhh, you're talking to yourself again." We ate in silence until Hiroshi broke it, "This is nice." I nodded. "You know Rei, you're basically a functioning adult now! You ordered ramen and interacted with the cashier, bonus for eating outside." "I'm barely outside." The only sound in a ten foot radius was me and Hiroshi slurping our ramen. "This ramen is way better than the cups," I said. "Yeah dude cups are pretty ass, you eat them almost everyday to." I grinned, not because it was funny but because it was true. By the time we finished our ramen the sun started setting. "Ughh dude I don't wanna do exams tomorrow," Hiroshi said, "It's already 7 pm." "Yeah well that's what you get for making me come out here." Hiroshi laughed, "Yeah well it was worth it, I didn't think you'd actually come out." We started walking back, talking about nonsense since I couldn't relate to tests or exams. "Alright Rei it was fun but this is where I turn to go home." "Y'alright see you never." "Not funny," Hiroshi said. For the first time today I could breathe in my own air. CHAPTER 25 ----------------------> The next morning, I woke up feeling like someone unplugged me from reality, and plugged me back in. All my social points expired. Permanently. Months of procrastination spent in an afternoon and a partial evening. I kept recalling events like a war veteran recalling their time in the military. I used up every ounce of sociality I had in me, I was drained. I did what any normal adult would do when they're overwhelmed by life, I turned on my computer. I scrolled through tons of forums until one caught my attention, *TheOnesThatAreLonely.com,* it was a place where people cried about their loneliness and various other problems, naturally reading other people's problems made me feel a little less like the king of isolation. The trending post read "Does anyone feel terribly lonely? I went THREE hours not talking to ANYONE." Four hours is pathetic, the average human could do that. I read on: "My roomies were gone all morning. I woke up at around 11 AM and didn't see them until 12 PM. One hour of crippling loneliness, I can't keep living like this..." What did they mean? One hour of no interaction is completely normal. I came on this site to feel a little less like the king of isolation, now I feel like the God. The narrator spoke again, *Behold people! Rei, The God of solitude! The emperor of isolation!" I sighed, I didn't have enough energy in my head to fight myself today. I continued scrolling. Another post: "I didn't go out with my friends this week because they were busy working, I stayed inside all weekend. I'm becoming a shut-in." A weekend, only two days. I once stayed inside so long that the time even stopped moving. All their loneliness was just a trial, not the beginning. I wanted to respond to every single one of them and tell them that they're not lonely, they're just too dependent on others, but I couldn't. I felt superior in the worst way possible. Yesterday I interacted with a complete stranger and ate food outside, maybe that was enough. I turned my computer off, not feeling worse or better than I did before. The bed called out to me, it sang to me in weird melodies. Maybe I could— my phone vibrated. "Hey Rei, I know we haven't talked in a while, sorry for just disappearing. I've been studying nonnstop for exams. Are you okay? Can we talk later?" If I was the king of this game, then maybe this boss battle wouldn't be so bad. I stared at Kana's message like a life or death situation. "Are you okay? Can we talk later?" The last time someone asked me if I was okay was Hiroshi, he had a way of asking that didn't feel soul crushing. Kana said it like she demanded an answer. I typed and deleted over and over, it was like my thumbs were in a abusive relationship with the backspace key. After writing over a thousand words I finally settled on "Yeah I'm fine. Alive. You can... come over I guess." Why did I even invite her over? She replied instantly "Okay. I'll be over in 20. Twenty? Not later tonight, not in a few hours, not sometime later this week. Twenty minutes. I glanced around my room, my room was filthy. My desk was filled with ramen cups like it was some kind of accomplishment. It looked like my room was a strip club but instead of money, it was clothes every where. There was a knock at the door, *Was that even 20?* I asked myself. I ran, opened the door, and there Kana stood. A backpack over her shoulders and a binder tucked under her left arm. "Hi Rei," She said, "You look worse." Yeah maybe because you came on such random short notice... is what I wanted to say. I blinked twice, "Thanks..?" She stepped past me, "I meant in a neutral way. You look like you tried something and paid the price." "Yeah well what makes you say that?" She shurgged and dropped both her bag and binder on the floor, " Your aura feels...dirty. You look socially bankrupt." I sighed, "Is that supposed to be a compliment? Is that supposed to make me feel better?" "No," silence for the air for a couple seconds, "Yes.." Kana sat on the edge of my bed. She looked around my room, she didn't judge but she didn't need to, her eyes did all the talking. "Sooooo," she said, "I disappeared because of exams, you disappeared because you're Rei." Kana coughed, "So," she continued, "Did you eat?" "Yes," I said. "Ramen." She nodded "Did you hydrate?" "I had water... the water from the ramen." Instantly Kana said, "That doesn't count, all that sodium probably dehydrated you even more." I sighed, "Why are you even here Kana? Are you here to see if I'm still alive?" She stared blankly for a second, "both... curiosity go the better of me." Should I tell her that I went outside yesterday, that I actually communicated to another human? Maybe then she'd stop pitying me. "I went outside yesterday," I said, "I talked to people. I ordered food. I even made eye contact with the cashier." Kana gasped like she was in the early stages of a heart attack, "Rei you're insane! Do you want to die young?" I rubbed my face, "I know right... I used everything... I used my ultimate too early." She smiled at that. Kana laid back and stared at the ceiling, "You know... most people romanticize what you do.. or like how you are." I stared, "What do I do?" Kana sat up again, "Being alone. Being inside. Detached. I see it online all the time, 'I wish I could disappear.' 'I don't have anyone to talk to.'" I laughed, "they have no idea." She nodded. Her posture changed, "They think loneliness is an aesthetic... that it's cute or something... like it's a filter you can turn on and off at any time." Silence filled the room, not the bad kind but not the good kind either. We sat there for a moment surrounded by empty motivation, personal achievements, tangled wires and ramen cups. She stood up and swung her backpack around her shoulder, "Alrighty." I stared at her for a second, "You came here to insult my diet and tell me I am socially bankrupt, now you're leaving?" "Relax," she said, " Next time you feel like the god of solitude, text me, not because I'll save you but because no one should ever have to rule alone." I stared at her as she opened the door. " I have exams to study for. Also good job for yesterday." The door closed before I could say anything. My phone buzzed, 'Kana: "I'll check in later.'" I stood in silence for a while after the door closed, I stared at it half expecting it to reopen and tell me the entire thing: the conversation and Kana being there was all just a big social experiment, a experiment handed down by the narrator of my life - but it wasn't. The room was quieter than before which was surprising considered the silence was already deafening. "Kings must rule alone..." I muttered. I was a lonely king with ramen cups and empty bottles of water for peasants. I laid back on my bed and instantly felt something stab me. For a moment I thought that it was over, this is how I, Rei would die. But no, it was just a plastic fork from God knows how many ramen cups ago. I tossed it on the floor with the other civilization of forks and ramen cups, even inanimate objects had more company than I did. Kana talked like my condition was temporary, like it was some kind of rebellious teen phase that you get over in the next month or so. Like I could simply opt out and decide I don't wanna be this way anymore. My brain having nothing to think about did what it did best. 'She saw your room. She thinks you're disgusting. She's probably texting Hiroshi about how disgusting you are.' I rolled onto my side and stared at the wall. Yesterday I went outside. Yesterday I interacted with people. Yesterday I was a real functioning member of society. Now I'm back here with a civilization of ramen cups and forks and imagining conspiracy texts. Sometimes I wish conspiracies did exist so I could delude myself into them and remove myself from reality. This was it, I had one good day. I'm cured now right? I functioned like a normal human, cue the music and roll the credits. If only it were that easy. Progress didn't feel like progress, it felt like spending a bunch of money that wasn't yours and now you can't pay them back. I spent everything yesterday, and today I woke up bankrupt in every way possible. Socially, spirutually, and even physically. My phone buzzed again: Kana: "don't disappear again.." She made it sound like I was a magic trick. I typed back different things until I settled on something. "Ok." It meant nothing and everything at the same time. Everyone in the world had normal things to complain about. Jobs, money, schooling, etc. Me I had nothing but at the same time everything to worry about. I exhaled and closed my eyes, maybe tomorrow would bring something different. CHAPTER 26 --------------------------> I stretched, the bed felt uninviting. It was like it knew I spent too much time in it and now it was resisting me. I sat up and stared at my computer. It stared back, daring me to waste another day. I did. I clicked around, my computer was full of videos I didn't finish, tabs I hadn't opened in weeks... and wouldn't open, and notes to myself promising myself that I'd 'be better.' Eventually I ended up on the darker side of the internet, the side no one enters... the side no one talks about. There were forums on top of forums on top of forums... and then some. There were threads with titles like "Anyone else just kinda tired of life?" and there were darker ones. dark like admitting to horrendous crimes. A somewhat small window popped up on my screen, it had the looks of a ad. It was written by someone with an anime profile picture and little to no punctuation. "I tried these weird pills I got from some guy. You don't escape your life but you can live somewhere else for a while. I clicked open the replies. The replies were a mess. Some people said it changed their life while the others were calling it fake. Some guy said it was like logging out of reality, not dead, alive, but almost aware you aren't alive. That stuck with me for awhile. The narrator again, narrated my life. "Behold! The recluse Rei discovers the forbidden shop!" I didn't care about the narrator. I started scrolling faster until I reached the link. I stared at it longer than I should have, this wasn't a way out... just...research. I clicked. The site was so ugly but also so obvious that whatever was going on here wasn't legal. Like if some cop or FBI stumbled across this site they'd know immediately something fishy is going on here. This site it promised clarity...rest...escape. Things I hadn't had in a while. I thought about Kana and how she told me to not disappear. What I was doing technically wasn't disappearing right? An hour later I was outside my front door. A part of me was proud for stepping outside, the other part wasn't because what the hell was I really doing? I started moving, one foot in front of the other. The meet up spot was only a few minutes away from my house, luckily I didn't have to go far. What was supposed to be minutes felt like a few seconds. There I was, sitting in a vague meetup spot under a bridge by a vending machine that looked like it hadn't been used since the holy days. I don't know why I expected it to be better looking. A few minutes later I heard footsteps on the right of me. The guy wasn't what I expected, he looked normal.. freakishly normal. Hoodie, jeans, and some tired eyes. He looked like he could be someone's older brother. "You Rei?" He asked. I nodded. No crazy exchange, it wasn't like the stuff you see in the movies. He handed me a small plastic bag with the pills inside. "No more than one at a time," he paused, "And don't expect miracles." Good thing I didn't believe in miracles. I walked home gripping the pill like someone would see it if I didn't. A part of me wondered what Kana or Hiroshi would say if they saw me with this. A part of me hoped they'd support it but deep down I didn't support what I was doing myself. I made it home quietly and safely, no cops, no problems. In my room, I sat on my bed and stared at the pill in my palm. It was small... very small. 'No way a pill this small could promise something significant.' I swallowed it before thinking. The pill was so small that I didn't even need a drink to wash it down with. At first nothing happened, for thirty plus minutes nothing happened. 'I fell for the internet's bullshit again.' My thoughts started racing faster than usual, then faster than comfortable. The ceiling started to get further away and started stretching in odd ways. I felt like I was sinking into the mattress. My body felt heavy but my head felt light. Thoughts started folding over eachother. Kana's voice, Hiroshi's laugh, then both together in one. I closed my eyes which wasn't a good idea. Images flashed behind them, things I didn't recognize, versions of myself that I didn't want to meet. Me older, rotting. Me stuck in this room forever while the world moved on without a single clue. Me doing the unthinkable. I sat up so fast that the room shook. This wasn't escape. This was every fear I'd been avoiding, lined up mocking me. I ran to my computer and opened up the site again. According to them the effect is supposed to last anywhere from thirty minutes to two hours. I shoved my face into my pillow and waited for it to end. I was floating in and out of conciousness until I opened my eyes completely and my body felt heavy again. It felt like I had been thrown back into my body. Maybe those visions were glimpses of what was to come if I didn't change. I laid there staring at the same ceiling I'd stare at daily for years. The ramen cups were still there and so were the forks. I laughed weakly, in defeat. Yesterday was a free trial, today was the warning screen. And I had clicked continue anyway. CHAPTER 26 PART 2----------------------------> I woke up with a headache that felt life altering. Not the kind that you get when you sleep poorly or drink too much. The kind you get when you mix both drinking and sleeping poorly together. I felt normal again which was kind of disappointing. I sat up and it felt like all the blood poured out my body. The dizziness slapped me in the face for a few seconds until I came to. I checked my phone. No new messages. No missed calls. I looked around contemplating what to do. Game, maybe even do some pushups. I was snapped out of my thought by the sound of a buzz. It was Hiroshi asking if he could come over. "Yo are you home rn?" I couldn't tell if he was mocking me or being serious. Of course I was home. Where else would I be? Before I could reply he sent another. "Me and Kana finished exams early and were wondering if we could come over?" I stared at the message for a few seconds then looked around my room. My room was a crime scene. I glanced at my desk. The plastic bag. It was sitting there like it wanted to be found and upend my life. My phone buzzed again, "We're already nearby btw. Specifically two minutes away." I typed back with speed I never knew I had."Yeah sure... door's open. Just invite yourselves in." I had exactly two minutes to change the life of my room. I grabbed the ramen cups and sped toward the trash. I kicked all the clothes on the ground under my bed. And then, there was a knock. I ran toward the door and opened it. Hiroshi walked in first. He was too energetic for someone who just finished an exam. Kana followed, quieter, observant - like she was looking for something to nag about. Kana stared at me for a few seconds, "You look tired," she said. "Yeah well I tried being conscious yesterday. Wouldn't recommend it." Hiroshi slammed his bag on the floor like he owned the place and Kana sat on the edge of the bed, same spot as last time. Hiroshi clapped his hands together, "so, how's the God of solitude today?" "Eh... I'm getting by." Kana tilted her head, "You okay?" There it was, that same question again. "Well I'm alive, which seems to be of concern recently." Hiroshi laughed, Kana didn't. "You're jittery," she said. "How many cups of coffee did you have today? "None." "Energy drinks?" "Nope." Kana got up and started pacing around the room while also asking me a bunch of questions that didn't really make sense. She paused in the middle of a question and reached down. 'The plastic bag...fuck.' "Rei what is this?" I opened my mouth and said the worst possible thing imaginable. "...Trash..." Kana looked at me with an expression I'd never seen her make before. Not angry. Not Shocked. Disappointed. "What is IT Rei?" Silence filled the empty spaces between us in the room. 'On another episode! Rei! The worse liar in history.' I didn't know what was talking in my head but now was not the time. "I took one," I said quickly. Hiroshi stared at me for a second, "Took one...what?" Kana's voice flatlined, "What did you take?" "A pill, A pill I bought from the internet." Hiroshi and his voice of concern, "Why did you make that sound so normal?" "It wasn't to get high," I said quickly. "It was supposed to help you dream... no escape I think. It was supposed to do something!" Kana sat down slowly, "Did it? Did it help you escape?" I chuckled, "No." I told them everything from start to finish. Not dramatically like a movie, just facts. The forum. The ad. The meetup. The trip. The visions. When I finished I felt defeated. Hiroshi didn't joke this time, "That's... really bad man." Kana stood up and held the bag out in front of me, "You're not taking these again." "Yeah, I wasn't planning to." She watched my face for a second, "Good." Hiroshi exhaled loudly like he'd just got done running a marathon. "You scare the hell out of me sometimes dude, seriously." No one spoke for a while. Then Hiroshi clapped his hands, "New rule! No more experimenting with your consciousness ever again." I agreed. They stayed for another hour. Hiroshi talked about exams while Kana talked about group projects and deadlines. I listened to it all. I really listened. It was life changing news, but it was real. "It's getting late Rei, I... no me and Kana have exams in the morning...AGAIN." Hiroshi sat up and grabbed his bag off the floor, Kana grabbed her folders and the two of them left. When they left the room felt empty again. No conversation could ever take the emptiness away from this room. I'd realized that escape wasn't rest. It was just another way of avoiding being awake. CHAPTER 27 ----------------------------------> Kana texted me around noon. "Hey, don't freak out. Hypothetical question for you." That wasn't good, that was never good. She didn't know but she'd already failed at "don't freak out" Three dots appeared. Disappeared. And then appeared again. "If someone took ONE of those pills on ACCIDENT, what would it be like?" I stared at the screen. I swallowed. The voice in my head swallowed. "What do you mean accident?" "Okay look I didn't mean to. I just wanted to know if it was real or not, that's all." I stood up so fast, the blood didn't have enough time to travel equally through my body. "Kana, where are you?" "my dorm... I think. My hands are so jittery." That was enough. I'd heard enough. I grabbed my jacket and bolted out the front door. I'd done something I'd never thought I'd do. I was on a college campus. Thankfully there was no one around to judge me. I grabbed my phone, "what's your room number Kana?" She replied almost instantly, "352." My eyes flew around the campus until my eyes landed on the building that housed 352. I slammed on the door. "Come in!" By the time I walked in she was pacing around her room like she was stuck in a cage. Her backpack was dumped on the floor, papers scattered everywhere. But on top of it all was the cursed plastic bag. "Did you take it?" She nodded quickly, " I just took ONE. One to prove a point." "What point?" She opened and closed her mouth. "B- Because you're an idiot!" she snapped, then immediately flinched. "I... I didn't mean that... I'm sorry." I again asked the same question, "what point were you trying to make?" She laughed but the laugh didn't match her face. "Y-You said it was bad...you said it messes with your head. I thought if I did it I-" She stopped. Her eyes focused on something behind me. Then the ceiling. Then the floor. "It's not doing what you said," she whispered eerily. "It's worse," she said quickly, like if she didn't say it fast enough she'd die before ever getting to say so. She stood up instantly, "What if this doesn't stop Rei? What if it doesn't stop?" "It will." I said that with more confidence than I felt. "It stopped for me." The words felt fake the second they left my mouth, like I'd said that because that's what someone is supposed to say in these types of situations. Kana stared at me blankly, I was unsure if she heard me or not. "You're lying." I opened and closed my mouth. It was true, it did stop for me, just not as fast as I'm making it seem. She was stating a fact. I opened my mouth, this time words came out, "I'm not." "You're doing that thing again, that calm voice. The one you use when you're either lying or panicking." She hugged herself suddenly, "It feels like I'm going to evaporate into thin air." "Kana... that's not possible." "My thoughts won't shut up Rei. I'm thinking about thinking. I'm also thinking about how weird it is to think about thinking. Is that normal?" I didn't want to lie. "No. None of this is normal." She paced back and fourth, "Okay okay... this... this is normal. It's just chemicals people do way worse and they're still alive... right? I think.." I let her finish before I interrupted, "you're not dying Kana, it's all just effects." She stopped pacing and stared directly at me, "Why? Why do you sound like you're trying to convince yourself?" I didn't answer. She sat down. "I thought if I took it I... I could understand you better." Realization had hit me, she did this because she wanted to 'understand' me. No drug could compare to the hell I went through. Silence filled the room. The uncomfortable kind. "Is this what you feel like all the time?" I didn't answer. I sat down across from her, "It's temporary. I know it feels like it'll last forever but it won't. We can wait it out." CHAPTER 28 --------------------------------> There's two types of waiting; the one where you're waiting for someone, and one where you're waiting for time to pass. Waiting is worse than panic; with panic you're given instructions, like when to run and what to do. Waiting just sits there, stalking you mercilessly. Kana sat on the floor with her back against the bed frame and her knees pulled up to her chest like she was trying to fold into herself. I sat across from her, legs crossed, waiting the same wait she was waiting. The clock on the wall ticked loudly, like it was trying to make the situation more clear than it already was. We both stared into nothingness in utter silence until Kana broke the silence, "hey, how much time is left? or uh... how long has it been?" I grabbed my phone even though I already knew. "About twenty minutes." "That's nothing." She was lying and it was clear, the expression behind her words gave her away. Silence again, this time it was the type of silence where your ears start ringing because there's no sound to mask it. I could hear my heartbeat too clearly, like someone turned up the volume knob just to fuck around with me. Kana laughed for a second then immediately covered her mouth, "Sorry, nothing is funny I don't know why I laughed." "Yeah...that happens." She stared at her hands and then looked at me, "It feels like my brain is lagging, like the audio doesn't match the pace of a video... no wait here's a better description; someone's talking but their lips move before their voice makes any sound." Sitting there in silence again I realized something. Guilt is weird. It doesn't annouce itself, it just sits there quietly observing while rereading to you all the bad things you've ever done in your life. Kana rubbed her face, "It's like I understand you for one second and then my brain just throws everything away." I swallowed. She looked up at me, "So is this what it's like? Not the pills just... existing like this? The voices? The utter feeling of loneliness?" After she asked that I felt my chest cavity shift. "Yeah... It's something like that. Not all the time. But enough." "That's horrible." There it was. Not pity, not sadness, just honesty. I laughed under my breath, "yeah well welcome to the club of losers." She didn't laugh at that, instead she hugged her knees tighter. "I thought I wanted to understand you, I thought if I understood that maybe I could fix you, or you know... help you in a way... some way." Another stretch of waiting again, my ears kept ringing and the clock kept ticking. In a bolt Kana jumped to her feet. "I can't sit still I feel like I'm gonna dissolve into myself and just die." She looked at me once more, "now I know you weren't exaggerating, you weren't being dramatic. This is bad." The takeaway I got from that was being understood which was scary in itself. Kana's phone buzzed on the desk, immediately she said "It's probably nothing!" She stared at the phone for a moment then picked it up. "It's Hiroshi." "No surprises," I exhaled, "what does he want?" She read it quietly then handed me the phone. "Hey Kana I noticed you were acting really weird earlier, just wanted to know if everything is okay." I typed back before I started second guessing my decisions. "Hey Hiroshi it's me Rei, you know those pills I bought? Yeah well she took one of them. I'm with her so she'll be fine." Kana shook me after I sent the text, "I think it's slowing down, is this how it's supposed to work or am I slowly dying and this is the end? Poof, end of Kana." I cleared my throat, "It's doesn't end all at once, it fades away slowly." She nodded, "good, I never wanna partake in anymore of your stupid activities." I grinned. We sat there until the clock proved us right. Until waiting does what it always does. Until the pill lost interest in Kana and moved on. When it was over she leaned her head back on the bedframe and closed her eyes. "Promise me one thing." "What?" "Don't go looking for stupid stuff like that again." I looked at her for a moment, "I promise to do my best." She sighed though I'm sure she understood that my best wasn't as good as the others. CHAPTER 29 ----------------------------> Something clicked and I decided that if I was going to ruin my life, at least do it correctly. That was the reason there was a video playing on my monitor at seven in the morning. "HOW TO BE A BETTER YOU! (Follow All Steps.) The thumbnail was a guy smiling so widely that it looked like his lips would rip any minute, alongside that was a checklist in his right hand. I sat at my desk with the notebook I used back in middle school and a pencil in my right hand. A part of me was wondering if this guy in the video was putting on a front and his life was as shitty as mine. "Step one: Wake up early." I sighed but reluctantly wrote it down. 'Wake up early, drink water, make bed.' I had technically completed the first part which was waking up early if you count not sleeping and staying up all night. I drank water, ramen water and flavored water. Progress is progress. I clicked through multiple videos until one specifically caught my attention. "How to be a normal functioning human being. (Socially)" Somehow the algorithm knew that I was a loser and was playing jokes right in front of my face. It's obviously targeted towards me. The video suggested things like maintaining eye contact, ask questions + follow up questions, and don't repeat the same thing over and over in your head. I paused the video, all three were already complete bull shit but the cherry on top, ' don't repeat the same thing over and over in your head.' That was unrealistic, that's like telling a deaf person to see again. Still, I took notes like I was studying for an exam that my life depended on. My handwriting got worse and worse the longer I wrote until every word was unreadable. Note taking made me think of Kana and Hiroshi, how they took notes hours on end for exams- just the thought of that was tiring. "This arc is redemption," I said to nobody but myself. Immediately after my head spoke, "Rei attempts self-improvement, will he improve or return to his natural habitat?" I didn't know if that was me speaking in my head calling out the obvious bullshit or some other person in my head. But I muttered, "Shut up," like a mature adult. I closed the notebook and put the pencil on top of it. My room was still the same. A ramen cup in the right corner of my eye and a empty water bottle on the left. One thing was different today, the notebook- it was proof that I tried. Or at least thought about trying. Mid way through my yawn my phone buzzed. My knee colided with the bottom of the desk, and after that, immense pain followed. 'Kana' "Hey, question, do you trust me?" "Define trust." "I need you to do me a favor... it's barely a favor, it's really small." I looked at my notebook, "normal people do normal favors for others." I reassured myself that this was normal. "K... what kind of favor?" Kana replied instantly, "I need you to come outside for literally just a minute.. or maybe two. I forgot something and I really need help." I thought to myself, 'a minute is manageable' "okay.. what did you forget?" "Doesn't matter, get your shoes on and open the door. It's an exercise of trust." I stared at my phone, then my computer, then at the notebook and back to my phone. I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door. My hand hovered over the doorknob and in one foul sweep I opened the door. There Kana was, I expected her to be in her school outfit but she wasn't, she was in her normal clothes. She wore a smile that seemed half real and half fake- like she was doing it by purpose to confuse me. "Morning!" she said cheerfully, "you're up!" I yawned, "yeah... technically. I never laid down." Again, she smiled, "Good. That makes things easier." She leaned past me and glanced inside. "You studying?" I corrected her, "self improvement 101." Kana chuckled, "did I miss a new update or something? Look at you, you're dressed and awake at seven A.M. on top of that you're standing outside your door. If I didn't know better I'd say you're evolving." I sighed, "you said a minute." "I did" she said quickly, "but you know how one thing turns into another right? one into two, two into three, and so on." She took a step back creating a little bit of space between us. "Anyways the real reason why i'm here is because I need help carrying something. It's right there." I turned my head in every direction possible, "where is there?" She pointed down right, not far but not close either. "Come on Rei, shoes on, let's get moving." "You know... I could still go back in right." "Totally! You can! After." I stammered, "after what?" "After you help me." She turned around and started walking away- at that moment I knew my fate was sealed. I noticed it too late that my body was following behind her, willingly, but at the same time unwillingly. "You didn't tell me what you forgot or needed help with." Kana turned around and smiled, "I know," she said, cheerfully. We reached the front of the building. "Oh," I said, "A store. Great." "Wow," Kana said, "Did you get your observance skills up?" "Kana I thought you said you forgot something." "I did." "Okay but we're at a store, this isn't forgetting something." She cleared her throat, "I forgot to go shopping." She grabbed a cart and shoved it into my hands, "today you're a normal person. K?" I exhaled, "sure... whatever that means." And there I was, gripping the cart like it might bite me in the middle of a grocery store. People moved effortlessly around me. It felt like they were all programmed and this was a test of normality. Kana leaned in close and started whispering like we were about to pull off the biggest heist known to mankind. "Okay... Okay. Listen. We're going to get a few NOOOOOOORMAL items. Human things." "What kind of things?" I asked. "Food." She started walking again and I followed. The cart started squeaking with every step, like it was trying to draw all the attention towards me and my cart. We stopped in the frozen section and Kana grabbed a food I'd never seen or heard of before. "I love this," she said, "do you eat fruit?" "I eat things that're fruit flavored.. you know. artifically." Kana sighed, "that's not the same thing." She grabbed an apple and a orange and placed them in the cart, "these two are for you." "An apple and an orange," I said. "That's how it starts." She glanced up and looked at me, "How what starts?" "Change." She smiled like she won something important, "you're already changing... and for the better." I clicked my teeth at that. We moved from one aisle to the next grabbing 'human things,' things that didn't make sense to me. At some point I realized that I wasn't counting ways to escape. That scared me more than anything else. We reached the checkout line before I fully noticed. Cashier. Eye contact. Consequences. The cashier smiled at me, "Did you find everything okay today?" My head started reading the bullet points from earlier aloud, 'ASK QUESTIONS. ASK QUESTIONS. ASK QUESTIONS!' "Yes!" I said too quickly, then added "how about you?" Kana tried to hold back her laugh but it was obvious. The cashier smiled "I'm good." We walked out the store and I felt utterly defeated. The plastic bags were stabbing my fingers. Kana looked at me, "see? nothing bad happened." I looked down at the plastic bags, "yeah." CHAPTER 30 --------------------------> We ended up at the park because that's where people go when they don't have anything to do. Kana invited Hiroshi and like usual he had nothing else better to do either. He promised that he'd meet us there in ten minutes. Kana was humming some song under her breath while I was trying to keep my composure after the whole ordeal. She hummed and I walked in silence until the park came into view. Hiroshi appeared in the distance, waving while jumping up and down. Kana giggled and picked up her pace at the same time until she was in a full on jog. Kana ran towards Hiroshi and Hiroshi ran towards Kana- like they hadn't seen eachother in years. I followed though they were at least ten steps ahead of me, talking like I wasn't there, not in a rude way, just naturally. "I'm telling you! I really am!" Hiroshi said, "if you start studying earlier you won't have a end of semester panic spiral followed by second guessing." Kana laughed, "Yeah well I hate studying. It's easy for you to say cause you actually like studying." "I hate studying, but I also hate failing more." They went back and forth like normal people, voices filling in the space. I tried to remember my notes. 'MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT. ASK QUESTIONS.' We sat on a bench. Hiroshi stretched his arms behind his head like someone who actually had something to live for, Kana swung her legs slightly while tapping the bench with her fingernails. I sat stiff, back straight, like if I moved an entire population would come up to me and start asking me questions. They kept talking. Exams, professors, and projects. Hiroshi complained about some guy who kept sleeping through lectures and would beg him for help, Kana complained about having to take lead in a group project. They both talked and laughed for minutes until the conversation started to slow down. I took my opportunity and cleared my throat. "You guys uh... want a cigarette?" They both turned their heads towards me, then looked at eachother, then back at me. "Of course not, that stuff is nasty," they both said in unison. "Do you guys share the same brain or something?" They chuckled a bit, Kana spoke over Hiroshi, "no, that stuff is just nasty and bad for you." I nodded and took a cigarette out of the fresh pack I bought and lit one up. They went back to talking about normal people life, things that only happen to normal people. Things I had no idea about. "Let's talk about things that Rei can talk about too," Kana said. We ended sitting in silence for the rest of the time after that. In truth I had no relation to the things they do, and they had no relation to the things that I do. And maybe it was better that way. The sun started to set and that's when reality hit me, I had spend almost an entire day outside, something I hadn't done since a kid. Kana broke the silence, "It's getting late. We've got school tomorrow." Hiroshi agreed, then they both looked at me, "We can walk you home if you want." I shook my head, "you guys go ahead." "You sure?" "Yeah." I sat there in silence until my mind started consuming me. What would've happened if I never went out that night? Kana would've never saw me. She didn't even know I lived there still because I never left the house. I sat there thinking until the cigarette burned my finger and snapped me back into reality. The sun had gone completely down and the only sound left was crickets and the sound of my breathing. A sound I knew all to well. I got up and started walking home. Today was different than the rest. Today I did big things. A day to be proud of myself for. CHAPTER 31 -------------------------> My phone buzzed and the vibration from my nightstand woke me up. 'You've been added to a group chat.' For a second I thought I was dreaming. Never in my twenty one years have I seen that sentence before. The group name was just a period. "." You can never be too sure, maybe this was an experiment sent by the government to test the likes of someone like me. Another buzz, Kana: "morning loser." Hiroshi: "good morning rei." It was a little comforting seeing as Hiroshi at at least an ounce of respect to call me by my name. Kana: "so we were thinking about yesterday.. you know, the park and all." Hiroshi: "Yeah" My heart turned, was I right? Was this actually an experiment sent by the government for someone like me? Are they grading my performance? Will they report back to the government? Hiroshi: we left you out yesterday.. and.. we feel kinda bad." I replayed the bench scene. The studying conversation, the cigarette, the silence after Kana suggested we "talk about things Rei can talk about too." I typed, "does Kana really feel bad or is she just going with the flow?" Kana: "I feel bad, idiot.." Kana: so, we're fixing it. come over to hiroshi's spot today." I sighed. Rei: "no." Kana: "come over or i'll drag you outside by your hair until every inch of hair on your head rips off your scalp." Rei: "jeez.. alright fine." I hated these kinds of situations the most, the ones with no obvious escape route. This wasn't a park with an open bench, it was a house. Hiroshi: yeah just come over and sit." Kana: don't overthink it. just say yes." If I say no, yesterday becomes an exception, if I say yes, it becomes a pattern. Patterns turn into responsibilities. Rei: "k." Kana: "come around like 2-2:30" It was two minutes before 10. Four hours to decide whether yesterday was growth or a mistake. CHAPTER 31 PART 2 ------------------> The time had come. I was outside Hiroshi's house in the broad daylight, exposed to everyone and everything. If anyone saw me they'd see all my flaws leaking out of me. Hiroshi's house looked exactly like the house I expected him to live in. Clean drive way and beautiful potted plants. I stood at the end of the walkway like some creep deciding his next victim. I stood there realizing that this all a huge mistake. There was more to this than just Kana and Hiroshi. There was Hiroshi's parents. I checked my phone. 1:57 PM. Three minutes early. Being early seems like you're happy to be there, being late seems like you don't care. I ultimately decided that I would continue standing there, as stiff as a statue. 'maybe his parents aren't home... no no no.. they have to be. It's the weekend. What if they ask questions? Of course they will. They don't even know me.' I sighed and walked up to the door. I knocked. The sound of my knock was followed up by footsteps making their way to the door. Heavy footsteps. Grown footsteps. The door opened. A woman stood there with neat hair and a polite expression Behind her was a man, glancing over her shoulder. "Yes?" my brain emptied. "I'm— uh...Rei." She looked past me then back at me, "oh! you must be Hiroshi's friend." Hiroshi appeared behind her, gassed like he just ran a marathon, "mom, that's him." Hiroshi's dad got up and walked toward the door, "I've never met him before. Is he your friend?" The question wasn't directed at me, it was directed at Hiroshi, like I needed verification. Hiroshi spoke up instantly, "Yeah. He is." His mom smiled softly and moved back while gesturing with her hand for me to come in, "Nice to finally meet you Rei, Hiroshi doesn't bring many people over- that must make you special." 'Special? No. I’m a mess. A low-life who hides behind a screen, terrified of anyone looking at me, frozen while life passes me by. I even played that stupid romance game once, imagining a connection I’d never have in real life because i'm that much of a loser.' That's what I wanted to say, but I couldn't even speak three words without stuttering. The inside of the house smelled like actual food, not instant noodles. The living room was naturally clean. There were photos framed on the wall of Hiroshi at different ages, school events, and normal milestones. Proof of life. I stepped inside carefully, like I might contaminate something. His dad nodded, "make yourself comfortable." Comfortable where? How? All I want to do is fold into myself and die. My heart was beating through my chest like it never had before. I slipped my shoes off and followed Hiroshi down the hallway, self conscious of every little sound I made. When we reached Hiroshi's room I finally exhaled. "Well," Hiroshi said lightly, "You made it." I wasn't laughing. "You look pale Rei, are you sick?" "No." He shrugged like that was good enough for him and dropped into his chair. "Relax Rei, you look like you're about to be interrogated for unspeakable crimes." I didn't respond. Hiroshi cleared his throat, "you want water or something?" "No." "You sure?" "Yeah." He nodded and leaned back into his chair and started spinning around. Silence filled the room. The uncomfortable silence. The silence that made me realize the situation I was in. The silence that made me want to run away. I started counting in my head, anything to distract myself from the fact that I was really in another person's house. "Three. Five. Ten. Fourty. One." Hiroshi spoke up. "So uh... thanks for coming and not bailing." "Yeah." Another silence. I could hear movement downstairs. Plates hitting eachother, someone walking across the kitchen floor. That meant his parents were still here. Downstairs. Hiroshi looked at me like he wanted to say something but didn't. Before either of us had to suffer through another ten seconds, the front door downstairs slammed. Footsteps followed. Hiroshi sat up and glanced toward the hallway. "That's probably Kana." A moment later the door burst open without a knock. Kana stood in the doorway out of breath like she'd ran ten miles. Her eyes scanned the room vigoursly before landing on me. "You didn't run away." I sighed, "That was the plan, I just got myself too far in to back out." She grinned and walked in. "Wow, you guys started this party without me!?" Hiroshi spoke up before I did, "we've been sitting here in complete silence." I looked at Hiroshi, "for like five minutes." Kana sighed but nodded. She dropped down onto the bed beside me like she done back where I lived. My body became more stiff immediately. Hiroshi pointed his finger at himself, then at me, then at Kana. "Well, group complete." Kana leaned back on her hands and looked at me again. "So Rei..." I sighed. "What?" "Did you panic the entire walk here or just the last five minutes before knocking?" I stared at the floor, "both. I panicked before I even left the house." She laughed. A real laugh. "Before you even left the house?" She said, enthusiastically. "Yep. Before I even left the house." Hiroshi sat up again, "that's dedication. Most people panic only half way through before giving up." "I panicked the whole time" I said. "Consistency is important." Kana cleared her throat. "Well!" She said, "good news. You survived the hardest part." Hiroshi suddenly stood up like he remembered something important. "We should actually do something instead of just sitting here in silence." "Do what?" I asked. He turned to his desk and started opening a drawer. "I've got games. Board games. A lot of board games. Also video games." Kana immediately pointed at the TV. "Video games. Video games only." I stalled immediately. Playing games alone in my room and playing games in front of other people felt like two completely different activities. "So," Kana and Hiroshi said at the same time, "you play video games?" "Um...sometimes." "Perfect." Hiroshi grabbed a controller from the shelf and tossed it to me. "Let's see what you got." Kana budded in, "we don't even know what game we're playing yet" Hiroshi cleared his throat, "Something Simple. I know how you get." Kana looked at Hiroshi with some expression I'd never seen her make. Kana imitated Hiroshi, "I know you get blah blah blah. Whatever." The game loaded. Bright colors and simple music- the kind of game designed so nobody takes it seriously. Kana started spamming buttons immediately to test them while I just sat there. It felt strange. I'd spent thousands of hours playing video games; but never like this. "Are we ready!" Hiroshi asked. Kana responded in a high pitch voice "Let's go!" Hiroshi moved immediately like he understood everything before it started. Kana followed behind him, jumping around and laughing at nothing and everything at the same time. "You're cheating already!" Hiroshi responded while laughing at the same time. "You saw me boot up the game, i'm not cheating!" "That's exactly what a cheater would say!" Their voices overlapped so effortlessly. They didn't have to think about when to speak or when to stop. No pauses, no overthinking, no questioning your every word. Nothing. My character stood still. I watched them instead. The way they were dying of laughter. I tried to imagine myself doing that. Just speaking without it running through my head ten times first. Without calculating how it sounds. Without worrying if the pitch of my voice was too loud. My thumb hovered over the joystick. I did nothing but everything at the same time. Their conversation kept going without me. A thought slipped in quietly. If I stopped showing up... would anything change? Was it pity all along? Was I the last option when no one else could show up for them? "You just walked into it!" Kana said something before Hiroshi could even finish his sentence. "I didn't walk into it! you pushed me idiot!" "Hey—" My voice came out weaker than I expected. Kana paused the game and looked at me first. Hiroshi followed. They both looked at me- two pairs of eyes on me. "I think… I think I’m not feeling too good." Silence followed after... the uncomfortable kind, not the kind they had. The kind that waits for an explanation. Hiroshi leaned forward, "Like... sick?" "Yeah I mean... I don't know... just off." Kana looked at me in a way that made me feel seen in the worst way possible. "You were fine five minutes ago... or at least looked fine." "I know." I shrugged gently, "guess it just hit me." Hiroshi scratched the back of his head. "Well uh.. do you wanna like.. lay down or something?" "No. I think I should just go home." Kana sat up straighter than before. "Already?" Something in her voice let me know that she didn't believe me. "Yeah." I sat the controller down carefully, "I don't wanna like.. throw up in Hiroshi's room or something." Hiroshi chuckled. "Fair enough." Kana didn't laugh, all she did was look at me. "Rei." 'avoid eye contact at all times.' "What?" "...You sure that's it?" "Yeah." A lie, an easy one. She stared at me for a second longer before leaning back. "Okay." Hiroshi stood up, "I'll walk you out!" "You don't have to." "You sure you're good to go home... alone?" Pity... "Yeah." As I stepped out into the hallway the noise of the game and their voices faded behind me. By the time I reached the front door, it was like it never happened. The air outside felt colder than before. I started walking before I could say anything else. Before Hiroshi and Kana could appear behind me, watching me walk away from Hiroshi's front door. Before I changed my mind. Each step felt easier than the last. Not better- just easier. Like I was slipping back into something familiar. Something quiet. Something that required nothing of me. CHAPTER 32 ------------------> The dark felt easier. No room for judgment, no faces and no voices. I sat down at my desk staring into the oblivion that took place inside my montior. The room was quiet except for the noise in my head. The repeated laughter of Kana and Hiroshi, laughing and conversating like it was that easy. They talked as easily as it was to breathe. Then there was me, sitting there like a character that hadn't been unlocked yet. I let out a louder breath than I should have. "That whole situation was awful." My phone buzzed on the desk. 'one new message: Kana.' I stared at her name until the screen went dark and all that was left was the reflection of my face. I didn't want to explain why I left... I shouldn't need to. It doesn't take a scientist to know why I left. I didn't belong. I didn't want to hear, "are you okay?" Instead I opened the game where all losers retreat when real life sucks ass. The menu music started playing — soft and cheerful music. There stood the same smiling girl, welcoming me back like she knew I was going to make another appearance. I clicked and three options came up: ' 1. Compliment her smile. 2. Compliment her clothes. 3. Stay quiet.' I clicked one at random, and then she smiled. A fake programmed smile. A smile that smiled at everyone who played this game. Fake words and fake affection. Somehow, it felt easier than talking to real people. There was no awkward pauses or a small chance of saying the wrong thing. Just choices. Three simple choices. For the first time all day, my body relaxed. The girl on the screen jumped in joy and told me how happy she was that I was back. Pathetic... It was pathetic but some how it easier. My phone buzzed again, I knew it was Kana. I didn't care, here I could have whatever I want. Friends, girlfriends, even siblings. Here I could live any existence I wanted to — If I didn't like it then I could just restart, no consequences. The right thing was right here on the screen, waiting for me to pick it. I clicked an option, then she smiled. I clicked another. Again, she smiled. Every response gave something back to me. A reaction, rewards. It was easy... so easy. Say the right thing, get the right response. Take the right action, you get what you want. There was no wondering if she wanted me gone. No wondering If I was unknowingly messing up the conversation. I leaned forward in my chair. The game music looped over and over. It was enough to fill the void. The girl on the screen laughed at something I picked. It was scripted but it was still directed towards me. My phone buzzed again, then again, then once more. I muted it. I already knew what it was. "Oh Rei! are you okay why did you leave?" "Did you at least make it home safe?" "Did we do something to make you mad?" "Are you going to disappear again?" Kana asked questions I couldn't answer. The girl on the screen was easier, I could answer her questions. She didn't notice when I hesitated or got nervous. She didn't laugh with someone else while I sat there trying to keep up. She didn't laugh at me not knowing how to live. Every single time, she waited for me. I played until the room got dark. I stopped hearing Kana and Hiroshi's laugher in my head, I stopped caring at the phone that buzzed from time to time. Whenever their voices started to fill my head again, all I had to was click the next option. Every choice gave me something life couldn't. Attention. I didn't have to earn it. I just picked a line and everything moved along. My phone lit up again on the edge of my desk. 'Kana.' I stared at her name for a second, then clicked the next option. The girl on the screen tilted her head. "I'm so glad you're here with me!" I chuckled. "Yeah... me too." The music looped so many times that it stopped playing. I clicked the next option, then another, then another. The room got darker, then got lighter. At some point the screen was the only sense of light left. My phone stopped buzzing. Either Kana gave up, or my phone died. Maybe my phone had enough of Kana too. I didn't care to check. The girl on the screen was smiling, waiting... I couldn't keep her waiting. She kept rewarding every choice I made like I was finally doing something for once. Outside, the sky darkened again. I rubbed my eyes and tabbed out of the game. 3:28 AM. I didn't notice how much time was passing by. I looked back at the screen, the girl was staring at me, smiling. I smiled back. CHAPTER 32 ---------------> PART 2 A girl made of code smiled at me through a growing screen. Somehow, it was warmer than any smile I've ever felt. I clicked. She laughed. I clicked again. She laughed, again. Every answer I gave her came back as something warm. I leaned back in my chair, staring at her expression like it meant something. Maybe it meant something for me only, and no one else. This way is better than being a skippable side quest in someone else's life. Here, I mattered. Here, someone was waiting for my response. I clicked again. "I was lonely without you." I laughed under my breath. "Yeah...?" "Me too." My eyes burned, but I kept going. The game music had looped so many times it started to sound hypnotic. I clicked faster. Words blurred together the faster I clicked. Say the right thing and you get something back. It all made sense, unlike real life. Real people laughed while I sat frozen, contemplating what to do. Real people asked questions I couldn't answer. Real people looked at me and treated me differently. "You're the only one who understands me, Rei." My chest tightened, not because I believed her but because I know it's all a lie. She was this way with everyone else. I was no different. CHAPTER 33 --------------> PART 3. A sharp knock hit the front door. All at once, the room started to fill itself back in again. The stale air, the sounds of cars driving by, My dry eyes. Another knock, this time harder. I stared at the screen. The girl was still smiling with her hands behind her back, waiting for my response. Another knock interrupted the silence, followed by a voice. "Rei! I know you're in there!" Kana. I didn't move. Maybe if I stayed still enough, she wouldn't hear me. Kana banged on the door again. "If you don't open this door I'm going to break it down!" I stared back at the girl on the screen. She was still there, waiting and looping her animation over and over again. If I opened that door, I'd have to become a real person again. I let out a shaky breath and stared at the girl on the screen one more time. "See... do you see what I mean? Why can't she wait for me like you wait for me?" "Rei, seriously!" I unlocked the door and swung it open. Her expression shifted the second she saw me. "Oh my.." "What? Why do you have that look on your face? You're the one who came here." She stared at me like she was looking at a ghost. "Rei... what the hell happened to you?" I cleared my throat, "nothing." She pushed the door open wider and stepped inside. "Great... let's just invade Rei's space..." She looked past me toward the screen, then back at me. "Is this who's been keeping you company this whole time?" I didn't say anything. "Have you been here this whole time?" "Yeah... so what?" Kana stared for a second, then laughed once. "So let me get this straight... you left me and Hiroshi, ignored all my messages and locked yourself in this room to play a dating sim?" "No... It wasn't like that." Kana tilted her head, "then what was it like?" How was I supposed to explain this... How was I supposed to say that it's because she smiles when I say the right thing? How was I supposed to say that she made me feel wanted? I shrugged my shoulders. "Not everything needs an explanation Kana." "Rei... you know you've been gone for days right?" It hadn't felt like days... just one long conversation between me and the girl on the screen. Kana spoke quietly, "you scared me a bit." I laughed under my breath. "Yeah? Why?" "Because you're my friend idiot." Friend... I hadn't heard that word in a long time. I looked back at the screen, the girl was still there smiling, waiting for me to come back. For the first time, the smile looked wrong. Empty. "Let's sit Rei." "No." "Rei." "No." If I sat down I'd fall apart. Kana took a step closer, "we don't have to say anything." The room felt unbearably silent. The game music that once hypnotized me was no more, no more dialogue, no clicking. Nothing. For the first time in days, I didn't know what world I wanted to run back to. CHAPTER 34 -------------> I don’t know how long it'd been since I've gotten up from my computer. The idea of dating sims and all the things I could do kept me in my chair. Fantasies I could live out that I couldn't live out in real life. Things I could get... like relationships. Choices stacked on top of each other. My room was silent except for the low hum of my fans from my computer before it got interuptted. 'Buzz Buzz' Kana. Last time she came here she was acting weird. Oh rei! you know you've been gone for days! some bull crap like that... if she really knew me she'd know I could be gone for years. I stared at Kana's name until my phone turned back off. A second later, another message appeared. "Rei, please answer." There was comedy in that message. "Please answer." She didn't need me to answer. Another message. "I'm worried about you" I grabbed my phone and typed out of pure anger. "Why?" The typing bubble appeared instantly. "Because you disappeared? AGAIN." she followed that message with another message. "Can I come over?" I don't know why, but I typed "Fine." Seconds later there was knocking. I stood up too fast, my chair scraping against the floor. For a second I thought about pretending that I wasn't home, but that'd be a poor excuse... where else would I be? I opened the door and there stood the almighty Kana, holding a plastic grocery bag in one hand and her phone in the other. She smiled when she saw me, but it quickly faded once she saw the dark circles under my eyes. "I brought food," she said quietly, lifting the bag a little with a slight grin. I shrugged and stepped aside. She walked in slowly, studying my enviorment like it was an undiscovered ecosystem. "I got noodles and snacks... you know, stuff you like." I crossed my arms. "Cool." She faced me, "I texted you for days" "I know." "You ignored everything." "I know." She hesitated before she spoke again. "Did I do something wrong." That stupid question, like this was about her. I laughed once, dry and sharp. "Why do you care?" Her expression changed. "What?" "Why do you care?" I repeated. "Why are you here? What are your real intentions?" "Intentions? I have none, I'm here because I'm your friend." I shook my head. "No, you're here because you feel bad." "Rei—" "No, seriously," I snapped. "That's what this is, right? You saw that sad shut-in guy disappear, so now you get to come and save him like a good person." Her expression changed completely this time. "Rei, that's not... that's not fair." "Fair? What's fair is you pretending this is friendship when it's obviously pity." She took a step back, "Rei, I don't pity you." "Then what?" "I want to know you're okay!" "Why?" She looked stunned. "Because I care about you!" The words hit me hard. Because if she meant them, then that means everything in my head was wrong. And if everything in my head was wrong, then that meant I was doing this to myself. I couldn't let it be true, so I doubled down. "No you don't, you come around when you're bored. You talk to me when Hiroshi and all your other little poor excuse for friends aren't enough." Kana looked shocked. "So. That's what you think of me?" I looked away. Because deep down... yes. But also, no. I didn't know. "I think," I said, softer now, "that eventually you'll leave, so I'd rather you get it over with now." The room went silent. A kind of silent that in my few years of being a recluse, I'd never experienced. Kana stood there for a long moment. She nodded. She didn't yell, which somehow made it worse. "k." she said softly. She grabbed her bag from the desk and turned toward the door. I frowned, "Wait—" She stopped but didn't look back. "You can keep the food," she said. Then she left. The door clicked shut behind her. I stood there staring at the closed door, waiting for the anger to come back... waiting for Kana to come back. Waiting for her to tell me she understood my anger. It didn't, neither did she. I looked at the grocery bag sitting on the desk. Noodles, snacks, drinks... things I liked. My chest hurt. I sat back down slowly, like if I sat to fast, I'd break. The words that came out of my mouth were a bit more than a whisper. "I didn't mean that." But Kana wasn't there to hear it. CHAPTER 35 --------------> There was a difference in the room. I just didn't notice it until now. I stared at the door for awhile. Like if I looked long enough it could rewind my actions. Like she’d walk back in and call me an idiot or something. Nothing happened. I reached over and pulled the grocery bag closer to me. The plastic crinkled too loud in the silence. There wasn't one thing in this bag that I didn't like. "...why would you bring stuff I like" I laughed a little under my breath to play down what really just happened. I opened one of the drinks and took a sip. It tasted normal which made me feel guilty. After what I did... it didn't deserve to taste normal after what I did. I set it down and laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling. The same crack was there. The same crack that's been there since the beginning. My one and only true friend. "Good news" I muttered, "nothing changed." But something did, and the crack was there to experience it all. I was blatantly lying to it's face. I shifted in my bed, tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable. I couldn't. I reached for my phone and unlocked it. No new messages. Of course. "...what'd you expect?" There was a good chance that by now, Kana told Hiroshi everything. Or maybe she didn't. I opened me and Kana's messages. Her messages looked different now. "are you okay?" "did you make it home safe?" "did we do something wrong?" I stared at them longer than I should have. I hated pity, but now, I was pitying myself. My thumb hesitated over the keyboard. I typed "hey." Stopped. Deleted it. Typed again. "I didn't mean anything. I'm sorry." Deleted that too. No amount of words could come back from what I've done. I locked my phone and tossed it onto the desk a little harder than I meant to. I got up and rested my head in my hands. "you know... rei. you're really stupid. hey crack... tell me I'm stupid too." No response. The words came out defeated. I glanced at the door again, I knew she wasn't coming back. I pushed myself up slowly and opened the door, hoping she'd be there waiting... waiting for me to chase her. I stood there for a second, then closed the door. I went back to my bed and laid there. "Crack, what do you think I should do? I could really use your advice right now." No response. "Crack... do you hate me? We're on good terms, right?" No response. Maybe the crack hated me too. Maybe this was the silence I deserved all along. CHAPTER 35 PART 2 ---------> I don't know how long I laid there. Long enough for the drink to go completely warm. Long enough that the silence started piercing my ears. Long enough that the regret of what I've done was eating me alive. My phone buzzed. I wanted to reach for it right away, but I didn't. What if it was Kana? Maybe it was her telling me she understands where I'm coming from. Maybe it's Hiroshi... My phone buzzed again. "great.." I dragged my phone closer and unlocked it. It was Hiroshi. Of course. I stared at his name for a second, contemplating if I really wanted to open up his message. I did. "congratulations rei! you've won an award for the stupidest person on earth." I didn't defend myself. "thanks." I let out a small breath through my nose. Another message followed. "i'm not gonna even ask what you did... kana told me enough." My grip on the phone tightened a little. "hiroshi... do me a favor, please." "what?" "tell her i'm sorry." Hiroshi's text bubble popped up, disappeared and then popped up again. "if you're REALLY sorry." I sat up immediately. "don't text her." Hiroshi sent another message before I could type one letter. "don't sit there feeling bad either." "go to her house." I could feel my facial expression change. "...what?.." He sent another message as if he could hear me through the phone. "yes. HER house." "day or night, doesn't matter." "you made her feel like shit straight to her face when all she tried to do was help you." "you can't fix that from your room. get out there." I stared at the screen while experiencing a feeling I'd never felt before. "what if she doesn't wanna see me?" The typing bubble popped up. "well then, at least you showed up." A pause followed, "which is more than what you usually do." I looked around my room, contemplating if I really wanted to do what Hiroshi was telling me. "I don't even know what I'd say." Hiroshi replied immediately this time. "figure it out on the way." "that's not helpful." "saying sorry is never easy, rei." I read his message over and over again. I glanced at the door, then back at the phone, then back at the door. "this is stupid..." I got up. My bed creaked louder than ever before. I grabbed my hoodie off the chair and my phone off the bed. "If she tells me to leave... I'll leave." I stepped out before I could think about it too much. Before I could retreat back into somewhere comfortable. The door closing behind me sounded louder than it should’ve, liked as if locked into place. As if even if I wanted to, I couldn't return. "okay okay okay okay... i've got this." My hands shook and my legs felt heavier with every step. I put my hands in my pockets like that would fix anything. The walk there felt longer than usual, like the path there stretched just to mess with me. By the time I reached the front door of the building my chest already felt tight. "this is dumb, but I owe it to her." People walked by talking and laughing like it was nothing, while I was out here in a life or death situation. I looked away from them immediately. "Don't look at me... don't look.." No one was looking which made it even worse. I sped up but my breathing got worse almost immediately. Now it felt like the whole world could see me, and how flawed I really am. "why... why am I doing this." Hiroshi's message popped into my head. "you can't fix that from your room." "don't sit there feeling bad either." I clenched my teeth together. The street was too loud. Cars passing, people laughing behind me. Were they laughing at me? Did Kana tell these people how much of a fool I am? "get it together rei..." My thoughts kept stacking on top each other with each step I took. What if she doesn’t open the door? What if she's still mad? What if she really wants nothing to do with me anymore? What if she's not? What if she comes out and tells me how pathetic I really am. What if she looks at me the way she did before she left? That look of... it's indescribable. "You can still turn back." The thought slipped in so easily that it was concerning. I could picture it already. Me, my chair and my computer. Maybe even another dating sim. No change, no risk. I stopped walking completely. "...yeah" I whispered "I could... I could just turn around... this wasn't mandatory." I let out a shaky laugh. My chest hurt to the point of where it felt like someone was bending my skeleton from the inside out. I forced my feet to move again. Slower, but still moving. By the time I turned onto her street, my throat was completely dry. Her house came into view. With each step it got closer and closer... and closer. I stopped a few steps away from her door, just staring at it. "what am I even doing here" I stepped back, "nope." I turned, ready to walk away again. Then Hiroshi popped into my head again. "then at least you showed up." "shut up" I muttered. He was haunting me... maybe he was following me. Maybe he has access to my brain. I stepped forward again before I could think too much about the consequences. My hand lifted, and this time, I knocked. Quietly. I knocked again, this time louder. My chest tightened instantly and my jaw clenched together immediately. There was no take backs now. What's done is done. Footsteps on the other side. I froze. Literally. Every thought stopped at once. "Nope." I moved before thinking and jumped straight into the nearest bush. Branches snapped, leaves shifted, and something cut my arm. "—AHHHHHH" I clamped my hand over my mouth immediately. "...great.. great job rei. this is actually amazing." I crouched lower in the bush like that made me invisible. I didn't breathe or move. Maybe she wouldn't hear me if I stayed in this position for long enough. Maybe she... "rei?" Of course she heard it. I screamed like a maniac. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping for the best case scenario possible. Footsteps, getting closer and closer. The leaves shifted again. I looked up slowly. Kana was just… standing there, looking down at me, in the bush... bleeding. There was a pause. The longest pause imaginable. "what are you doing" I didn't answer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know how to. What was I doing? She crouched down and grabbed my wrist. "Did you seriously jump into a bush? "no." She stared at me for a couple seconds. "yes." Her grip tightened as she focused on the cut. It wasn't huge, but it was enough for me to be bleeding all over her bushes. "rei. you're bleeding." "yeah.. I know." "stay still." "I am still." "rei." I stopped talking. She sighed and pulled out a small pack of tissues from her back pocket. She pressed it gently against the cut. "rei, stop moving." "it hurts." "it's a cut, not a life threatening injury." "it feels like one." She didn't laugh, which made me nervous. Her focus stayed on my arm as she cleaned my arm with care and precision. Like earlier never happened to her. Or maybe it did... and she just didn't want to face it "so... you knocked, she said quietly. "Yeah." "and then jumped INTO a bush." "...yeah." She paused, "why?" I looked away. "I thought..." I stopped. She waited. Of course she'd wait. ""I thought you’d open it too fast... the door, I mean." "what does that even mean?" "I don't know." She exhaled softly "you're actually unbelievable." My arm was still in her grip, but her grip got softer. The tension was still there. "Rei.." Her saying my name felt surreal. "..yeah?" "you didn't come all this way just to jump into my bushes did you?" I hesitated, then shook my head. "no." "okay so why are you here?" There it was, the real question. Sitting right between us... waiting for an answer. "...I messed up" CHAPTER 36 ------------> "...I messed up." My mouth felt lighter once those words released from my mouth. Kana didn't respond right away, she just kept holding my arm, pressing the tissue against it to stop the bleeding. "Yeah," she said, finally, "you did." That hurt more than the cut. "I know." I muttered. "That's kind of why I'm here." You could've just said that without diving into my bushes like an olympian. "I panicked." "I can tell." A small pause streched between us for what felt like years. "You screamed." She adjusted the tissue slightly. "Hold this." She let go for a second and I immediately fumbled, almost dropping it. "Careful Rei." "I'm as careful as can be." "You jumped into a bush." "Yeah but that was before I was being careful." That made her smile the slightest bit. I noticed and overthought it immediately. 'Does that mean I'm forgiven?' Of course not. Don't ruin it. Don't say something stupi— "Rei." "Huh?" She finally looked at me with her full attention, "why did you say all that stuff?" There was the question I'd been despising. The one I jumped into a bush for just to avoid answering. "I don't know." She didn't say anything, instead she just stood there, letting me soak in my own guilt until I finally came clean. "Okay okay wait. I do know. I just don't like the answer." "Say it." "I thought you were only there because you felt bad for me." Kana's gaze deepend. " And if you weren't, then that means you actually care." She stared at me like she was trying to figure out if I was serious. "I’d rather just ruin it myself," I finished. Kana leaned back slightly, sitting dowm on her heels in the grass. "That is," she said, then paused. "The dumbest thing I've ever heard." I nodded. "No, seriously, like it's actually impressive how dumb it is." She continued, "you created a problem out of nothing then punished me for it." "yeah." "Then you came here, jumped into a bush, then started screaming like a lunatic. I looked down at the ground out of pure defeat. Kana leaned forward again and adjusted the tissue on my arm again, a little lighter this time. "You really thought I was faking it?" she asked. "Can you blame me?" I muttered, "A good person saving someone like me.. that's not the kind of trope you hear about anymore." She sighed, a part of me hoped that the sigh was a sign of forgiveness. "I didn't know what to think." "Rei I came over because you disappeared. I brought you food because it gets pretty obvious when you haven't eaten. I kept texting you because you didn't answer. That's it." "that's it?" "that's it." She spoke up once more, "and so... you don't shut yourself inside again." "makes sense." "I'm sorry," I said again once more. Kana studied my face, "you're really bad at this." "I know." A smaller paused streched thin between us this time. "But" she uttered. "You showed up, so that counts for something." It shouldn't have felt like so much, but it did. Kana spoke up. "C'mon," she stood up and brushed the leaves off her shoulders. "You're bleeding all over my bushes and I also don't want to have to explain to my neighbors why there's a guy hiding in my bushes." I stumbled a bit getting to my feet, legs still shaky from everything. She didn't let go of me the entire time...which was kind of nice. She pulled me inside and kicked the door shut behind us, without ever looking back. "Room," she muttered, half to me and half to herself. She pushed me down onto the edge of the bed. "Don't move." "Are you the task force?" She didn't laugh. "sorry.." She disappeared for a second and came back with actual bandages this time, kneeling in front of me again, she took my arm unexpectedly. She was lazer focused and her hands were extra steady. "You know... you're pretty good at this. You should be a hospital person." Kana stopped wrapping the bandages around my arm. "A hospital person? Not a nurse or a doctor? Just a hospital person?" I cleared my throat, "I forgot the specific names.." She went back to wrapping the bandages around my arm again. I watched her for a second longer than I should have, analyzing every movement because I didn't know what else to do. Something in my chest felt weird, not painful, just weird. "...what?" she asked without looking up. "N-nothing," I said, quickly. "I can feel you staring at me." "I'm not." "Yes you are." "I'm observing." She huffed quietly, "you're unbelievable." She finished wrapping my arm and sat back slightly, still closer than I expected. For a handful of seconds, neither of us said nothing. The silence didn't feel like before. I didn't feel the need to run this time. "Thanks." Kana shrugged. "Sure." For the first time in a long time, I broke the silence. "...you're not gonna leave, right?" Kana looked at me, like really looked at me this time. "Not right now." It wasn't a promise. It wasn't forever. But for now, it was enough. CHAPTER 36 PART 2 ------------> We ended up sitting on her bed in complete silence. Kana tossed snacks onto the blanket between us, "eat." "I'm still a human you know." "You jumped into bushes ten minutes ago." "Fair." I reached for one of the bags and immediately struggled to open it. It made that crinkling sound that made it obvious to anyone within 40 feet of you aware of your struggle. Kana glanced over, "you good?" "Yeah, I'm great, I'm just over here asserting my dominance over this bag of chips who thinks it has a chance against me." Kana sighed, "it's a bag of chips Rei." "It knows what it did." She chuckled quietly and looked back at the screen. For whatever reason, that released some of the tension building up in the room. She grabbed the remote and turned on some random tv show or movie I'd never seen before. We sat there, not too close to eachother but not too far either. Close enough that I could feel her presence, but not enough to panic about it. I leaned back, holding the back of chips that I just opened like I'd accomplished something meaningful. My eyes focused on the screen but my ears focused in on the room. To the fact that nothing bad was happening. No one was judging me, no one was asking questions I couldn’t answer, no one was waiting for me to say the perfect thing. Kana didn't say anything either, she just ate, and occasionally laughed at whatever was happening on the screen. She didn't look at me or pressure me. My head tried to ruin it for me. 'She's just being nice.' 'You know she still pities you right?' 'You're pathetic' 'You're really falling for her scheme?' 'She's gonna expose you soon just wait!' 'You're getting too comfortable!' While Kana was enjoying whatever was playing on the tv, I was battling the thoughts inside my head. Kana spoke suddenly, "you're thinking too loud." "What?" She took her hand out the chip bag and pointed it at me while keeping her eyes glued to the screen. "You do that thing with your face, like you're buffering or something." "What are we even watching?" I asked. "No clue." "...you put it on." "I know." "And you don't know what it is." "Nope." I stared at her for a moment. "In some ways, you're more miserable than me." Kana stuffed her face with chips before speaking again, "we both know that's in no way possible." I shrugged. Unfortunately that was true. I solidfied myself as the God of Solitude awhile ago. I grabbed another chip and actually tasted it this time. The tightness that consumed my body was no more. The thoughts that flooded my head was no more. I wasn’t counting seconds or exits or ways to leave. I was just… sitting there. With her. Minutes passed by, Kana continued stuffing her face while I slowed down. "Aren't you the malnourished one if you're eating like that?" Kana took her eyes off the screen and looked at me. "Shut up." She looked back at the screen and threw a chip at my face. "Well that was a bit rude." She grabbed another chip and threw it at me again. "Are you trying to start a food fight?" "No, not in my room." "Fine." After a while, Kana spoke again. "..hey." "Yeah?" "Don't disappear again." I stared at the screen for a moment before responding. "I'll try." It wasn't a promise, but it was the closest thing I had.